As a child I felt I had dropped down from some foreign place to a landscape I had no relationship to and people I had little in common with.
Instead of sitting confidently in who I thought I was, I did my utmost to lose myself and ‘fit in. I tried desperately to fashion my earth suit to accommodate what I thought was my style. Unfortunately I was a kid of the early sixties so fashion was not at its most complimentary to a teen in Bogan Australia trying to find their own place in the matrix of beer and meat pie and football. My soul much to my dismay did no choose to be born to a couple of free thinking bohemian Woodstock parents and wearing paisley print skirts with cheese cloth tops and long straight hair that went down my back.
I choose a conservative army base mentality to land in. So conservative that it saluted back to me. My mother kept my curly hair short, which I hated, and the clothes; I had no relationship to them at all. Only when I dressed up in theatre costumes did I feel I could expand, experience, stretch who I was or wanted to be. Otherwise I was a playful curious being trying with great determination to adhere to the culture and customs of a strange land.
I did however choose to be born into a home of care and respect and that was an important backbone to the journey I would take. I was well loved and funnily enough in the land of the military conservative middle class, I was left to explore religion, belief and my own future without restriction. Something I am be eternally grateful for. My parents although culturally conservative, had no mind for certain types of indoctrination, which many others of my peers did. So they were liberated in that sense which was a huge bonus for me. Safe to explore
Home was to me a safe place where I felt included as loved member. My mother and father were not helicopter parents in any way and I felt the freedom to investigate anything that took my interest without someone judging me or needing results or bulletins of my progress. Many other kids waylaid going home but not me. It was the safe place away from school – the hard turf where I learned the hard way.
So I had a gauge of what safe felt like when I was a kid. Sure it drove me mad that my mother would walk into my room without knocking, or say I was way too sensitive, or my brothers would tease me in front of their mates cause they were bored or I felt I had to rabbit on or shout to be heard being the smallest. But I did feel safe to come home and to go to sleep at night no matter what part of the world we were living in or if it was a house or a hotel or on a plane.
That is until the night started to become more than just the shadows in the room or down the hallway on the way to the loo. They seemed to vibrate with my fear and then my mind would imagine what it didn’t want to imagine and my back would feel as if someone was sliding and invisible finger down it.
Inside my mind, inside my being everything became unsafe.
Darkness was the messenger and I did not want to listen.
The inside was no longer safe and I didn’t know how to make it safe.
I remember having a horrid nightmare and mum or dad flying into the room. For that time they were my safety but I needed to find the safety within me. Nobody talked about those kinds of things then and the Internet hadn’t even kicked in yet. So no Google for me to go on a search to investigate with.
This would take me on a long and bumpy road to where I needed to go. When I look back at the path I have walked it has all been worthwhile. Every step, every fall upon it, every detour. They have all been part of finding my way to my inner safe home.
I am just reflecting on the multiple situations I put myself in that showed me what was not safe. What was I thinking? I deliberately put myself (unconsciously of course like a moth to a flame without any knowledge of the consequences) in situations where I would be in unsafe situations.
The real drama or danger was always one person removed from me. I would be there but not at the center of it so to speak. But I would be deeply affected by the experience being the spongy empath with little sense of energetic boundaries.
I would regularly freak and fly out of my body. I was a flyer more than a fighter unless children were involved. I split myself up into so many shredded fragments in order to be a witness to these experiences not really knowing why.
I would at times wonder to myself ‘What the hell am I doing here?’ There was some element of wanting to be needed or be the rescuer for sure, but the other side of it was that I was unconsciously experiencing all the situations and what happens on the energetic front that pulls people out of themselves, what make people split off, fragment, leave their body in flight or fright?
Unconscious research for my future work of service.
Damn lucky I have Jupiter on my Ascendant!
From the moment that I experienced my first Soul Retrieval (this is different to the Sandra Ingerman version as the guide/practitioner walks alongside the journey with the client and guides them as they reclaim their lost fragments and brings them home) I have returned to it time and time again. I have studied and trained in other things to compliment my work but I always, always come back to Soul Retrieval. I have been at my wits end at the bottom of an abyss where other techniques have fallen to the ground and after all is spent, there will be an inward nudge arising like a golden sun and there it is yet again. The question. ‘Where did you fragement?’. I will say ‘Of course! How could I have forgotten?’ Soul Retrieval! Its important to move through all these trials of the ego and spirit to return back to what that naturally brings me back home when all that needs to be learned has been learned.
When I am fragmented I don’t feel at home with myself. I don’t feel safe. I am either searching outside for stimulation, craving things I don’t really want, I don’t have much trust in my self, feel insecure, self critical, confused and displaced and at times quite melancholic and self protective.
When I am home and feeling safe I feel resonant with my purpose. I am in a state of trust and my inner home feels like what I will take with me when I leave my earth suit. A sense of conscious connection within my inner sanctuary, animal kin, inner kin, inner child and soul self. My heart emanates more love. I feel a sense of meaning and purpose within my self devoid of what impact I may or not make on the world.
Safe and home to me are two words that melt into one. The home inside me needs to be a place of safety.
I used to be so protective of my inner world that I was in terror of letting anyone too close. Not because they would trash it or steal something I deemed precious, more because I thought I would harm it through my own neglect by giving parts of myself away to another and not putting myself first in the realm of caring for self first so you can care well for others. This changes the more you acknowledge and clear trauma from the parts of you that are wounded and or feel rejected or abandoned.
These days I do not need to do much in journey work in this regard. Its like there is an inner automatic pilot that as soon as I acknowledge there has been a fragmentation my wise self goes and gets what has split off and then on a multidimensional level everything falls into place in a way that I feel this sense of incredibly safety, openness and meaning within. I am in alignment with my whole being beyond and including my earth suit. My body is relaxed. My mind is at flow, my heart is smiling and my inner child is light.
The time spent feeling unsafe and not at home is valuable. It offers where your needs lie and how to find your way to nourishing them. Nothing in the journey of life is wasted if you see the reflected gift in it.
If you have come from a home where you were not safe look to your inner child for the direction so you can create what is. They know instantly what makes them feel safe. And this is the compass that you can use to help you. Another can help you feel safe to a degree but this is not about getting another to make you feel safe as much as its finding your own sense of safety within. When that other person is not there, you need your own sense of safety. This is your present and your soul line to yourself.
If you are wondering where is your place in the world?
It’s within you beaming out.
(c) Odette Nightsky 2017