We all arrive here to learn. Whether we learn through extremes or not, the learning is there, the opportunity for insight and growth is always there. Whether we take that opportunity will define our paths trajectory and the challenges we come across from experience to experience.
One of the most challenging aspects of being human I find, is the set patterns and programs that bind us to certain lessons.
Through our early experiences we learn how to get our needs met and how to behave often times via the environment and influences around us. This can be learning how to communicate so the adult knows we are hungry which may begin with crying and then evolve to asking depending on what programs you are taught. Then we go to school and we are taught another ‘learning program’ this may include not talking when you want and having a nap when you don’t want even though everyone has to. And then there is learning to share and include others or not. This is a sort of conditioning many are taught to supposedly make us able to adjust to dealing in the wider world. As we age more and more programs come flooding in, as do more responsibilities and energetic burdens depending on what family dynamic you are living in.
Example: Maybe you learn to be a pleaser at home because that way there is less upset and you fill an energy space between your parents so everything seemingly runs better. At school you seek to please to be befriended, maybe you even bring things to school to make people like you more.
Then maybe its your first boyfriend that initially flatters you and then after he knows your hooked he starts to become a bit more aloof and not as eager and willing as he was when you were first going out. So the program kicks in again as it’s in your emotional and mental bodies memory hard drive. You find yourself wanting to please him more and more and with this he becomes less and less interested. You start to energetically ‘GIVE’ your power away to him via running the pleaser program. His program is not of the pleasure so much as the ‘poor me’. He was programmed to think that when things went wrong it was all his fault and that he is a failure. So when your ‘pleaser’ has had enough and starts to get irritated due to your default program is not working and goes un- acknowledged, a snake from the bottom of your belly crawls up your throat and lets out a hiss right between his eyes. He then defends, justifies and moves into his program of ‘poor me, I am a failure’ and shuts the door behind him while he licks his wounds. You then feel awful because you hissed at him and without knowing you have co-dependently absorb his program to add to yours. As a pleaser you have failed and now you also feel a failure. So you now are carrying two programs in your solar plexus, without really knowing how on earth you got there when you were only trying to be nice! Sheesh!!
This is really important to remember.
You are experiencing the program that you have learned and that has been repeated over and over and over again and has been absorbed within your unconscious. It only rises up when it sees an action that reminds it of an old program that you are hooked into.
The pleaser program is set on ‘pleasing’ to make one feel worthy enough or good enough. ‘If I am pleasing enough I will be liked’.
So how can one begin to bring the light of the expanding sun into such a misty shadow of a program?
Its time to meet with the inner pleaser
I will share with you a little of my own walk so you may walk along with me.
(I do not teach from a pedestal, I teach from experience)
I put the computer down for a moment and asked my ‘inner child pleaser’ to come forward. I am quite surprised at my first impression. I see the bossy aspect of myself as a child.
(I was told I was quite bossy at home. Short, youngest and only girl syndrome trying to survive two big brothers, a military father and a mother although very loving didn’t get how to deal with a sensitive girl and a continuous run of new schools).
Then a memory floods in. As an army brat I travelled lots, so new schools and social adjusting was a regular initiation. I seemed to do fine in other cultures but when I came back to my own country I floundered. I took chocolate to primary school to bribe kids to like me.
When I ask my pleaser child what is it she wanted the answer is direct and clearly spoken.
“I wanted YOU to like me”
I was so busy trying be liked by others I had no understanding of how to like myself and like what I had to offer devoid of chocolate or pleasing, performing ways.
In the next breath I apologize to her and take her into my arms in spirit and hold her close saying to her that she is so very likable with or without chocolate. Then I feel the positive pleaser in her, her kindness, her caring and tender ways, and her deep sensitivity that actually ‘likes’ to be kind to others. This is the pleaser that is not needy or wanting for anything and genuinely giving from a centered heart space. The bossy aspect is a protective cover for feeling lack of power and as I embrace her more the bossy energy abets. Bless you my bossy little pleaser. Thank you for the lesson little one.
My inner child and all her aspects will always be my truth barometer. Sometimes due to relationship challenges and such I may not notice that they have taken center stage but if I am quiet enough. If I wait for my mind to stop analyzing every little inch of things and with deep breathing drop into my feelings then I can see that she is asking to be heard, validated and embraced. And that is how one can start to peel away the onion layers of unconscious programing.
Working with the inner child in your sanctuary in this way can offer you insights into your patterning and programing. Insights enough to choose to self empower rather than run the old tape again and again. It may take a bit of time and practice, but that dear kin is what we are here for. This is the school of life and learning is the important stuff. Learning with growth. One must be entwined with the other. Learning for learning sake brings lots of theories but when you add conscious growth to the mix, you will never be stagnant for long.
Take your inner child’s hand and look to the horizon.
It’s a journey of growth. Keep walking.
Odette Nightsky (c) 2016