It wasn’t until the day my shamanic teacher showed me what my spirit does when my emotions are too overwhelming and I begin to fragment, that I began to understand what was really going on.
Strong emotions like anger always frightened me as I recall from a very early age. I was so absorbent and sensitive I would pick up on the ‘charge’ the person leaked or suppressed when they were in discord. I still am a big sponge to a certain extent even though I am less frightened due a deeper insight of human emotions.
Anyway, my teacher was being (in my opinion) harsh to a student and I am very protective of the vulnerable so I spoke up. She then snapped at me and feeling insulted and attacked I got up to leave the room. She called me back in a tone that triggered me deeply. I turned and let out my feelings in tears and told her in no uncertain terms that I will not be ‘told’ what to do.
‘If you want something, ask!’ I said with icy clarity.
She then softened and invited me to return to the seat in the room. By that time my legs had started convulsing on their own, something that had been happening on and off for many years when intense moments arised. I could not stop them no matter how hard I tried to calm down. My teacher then asked me to close my eyes. ‘Where is your spirit in relation to your body?’ Instantly I saw it had flown down the corridor and out the door into the gardens. I was very surprised that it was so far away.
My teacher asked if I wanted to call it back. I did. With strong intent and deep breathing I summoned it to return to me. In less than 30 seconds my legs stopped shaking completely. This was to be a huge intricate part of my medicine walk.
During that time I trained in many medicine ways yet chose to specialize in ‘Soul Retrieval’. On of my spirit names is ‘Wound Tracker’. I accompany people in tracking down lost, buried, stolen, misplaced aspects of themselves and bring them home cleansed and integrated and aligned within their earth suit.
I have recently had a run of what may be termed medically as ‘anxiety attacks’. I would rather refer to them as something like ‘Spirit Openings’ or ‘Earth Suit Upgrades’. As my readers already know, I am not too fond of medically labeled straight jackets.
Either way there was definitely quite a crack and stretch going on that felt hard to breath through. For me it manifests as a feeling of being ‘Trapped’. That word kept repeating itself inside me. I relate it to ‘fight or flight’ pattern. What we do when we feel out of control. We either fight our way through it or fly as fast as we can to get the hell out of there.
I am not by nature a fighter as I find there are other ways to work out the bumps in life. So when I am feeling trapped I instinctively want to run…fly…move…escape the cage that is my earth suit and the situation that I have found myself in.
I can fly in my dreams within a blink of an eye yet in ordinary reality when my emotions peak I can’t wait to run from my body. If it wants to run too that’s great but generally it has to stay for some practical reason while the rest of me is flying out the door and beyond what I perceive as constriction.
This recent ‘upgrade’ came during a time of being in an atmosphere that was completely alien to me. Being somewhere where I felt I did not belong after spending time in another place where I also feel a stranger and not on home ground. Anyway, I was busy just trying to cope and do the best I could in the environment that was not me. What started to happen was old insecurities came bubbling up to the surface, I noticed them, observed them and just kept going. They increased day by day. I then went somewhere where I thought I would find peace but it was anything but peaceful and as I am highly noise sensitive this pushed me into ‘flight mode’ and the inner battle commenced. I was trying to convince myself I had to stay in my body even though I have recalled some time back saying to a client that was dissociating that it was ok to leave her body for a bit and then come back in when she feels ready. Somewhere in my panic I did not apply this to myself. As they say one teaches best what they need to learn.
I knew I needed to leave the place and my inner nurturer made sure all was organized. After a complete tear filled meltdown I knew I needed peace where I could do some inner work to stabilize my nervous system and adrenals and get to the core of why I was not coping. A young volunteer at the retreat place (which was so very noisy) said to me in a patronizing tone ‘You know you have to find the peace within you’.
Honestly at that moment the ‘fight’ was ready to jump over the counter and throttle her! Like I don’t know that!
I was already outside my body whilst trying my hardest to organize something ‘safer’ for myself. Empathy and compassion at times like these are paramount. Not pity, empathy. She didn’t have it even after I gently let her know for the one that may come after me. Her response was to smile blankly and make another patronizing remark. ‘Well I am glad to see you have finally calmed down’. Which just left me shaking my head. I was not angry, more saddened that she had no insight.
So finally I let go and made my way to somewhere I know I feel safe, nature surrounds me, I have privacy and space for my adrenals to slow down…and slowly the insights begin to appear. The lessons, the teachings come forward.
I went on a journey inward and at the end the elders came to me and showed me what was happening and why I sometimes find it so hard to be fully in the earth suit. The gift from the journey was remembering that it’s ok for me fly out when I feel the need; just remember how to come back in. They showed me how to practice this more and more. There is a certain way I fly out, a certain pattern I do in the sky and a flip and a curve to come back inside my earth suit and down into my belly that connects with the great earth belly womb of the mother. It’s like allowing my spirit ‘breathing time’ in the skies. I noticed the pull to get back in my body sometimes and let myself stay another breath of flight to extend the feeling just that little bit more. Now I feel the gift of a ‘spirit opening’ as I learn more about the intricate parts of the lesson.
Those who have been abused often find themselves trying to escape the body (earth suit), as it’s a learned and survivalist pattern of escape.
You might like to take a bit of time out each day and consciously fly out, manifest wings, be what every being that suits you, have some fun in the flowing air and then come back happily into your earth suit when you finish.
There is no sadness in returning as you can go out daily when it’s energetically appropriate. E.g. don’t be flying out while driving your kids to school while they are arguing and triggering your need for quiet. Wait till you have dropped them off and sit in the car and do it quietly for a few minutes before you drive again.
I am trusting that as I practice this daily, those moments of flight or fight will become less and I will not be battling to try to stay in my body so much and be able to move in and out at conscious will.
In my journey I was shown a beautiful moonstone. I took heed of the teachings and now I have one. I was also told to ingest blackberry for my adrenals. Note taken. Blackberries here I come.
We are all here at the school of earth life to learn. Learning never ends. It’s the journey that is the most important and the insights we gain from challenges along the way. It’s not the falling so much as the ability to get up and in the journey of resilience find that which enables us to bounce back.
I trust that my lesson, my learning may be of benefit to you on your journey within and without.