A quality of being honest and having strong moral principles
A state of being whole and undivided.
Of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.
When I was very young it was important for me to be a ‘good girl’. I had a strong innate moral code to the point that my mother recalls how I would reprimand anyone that crossed over a sign that said ‘private’.
I was what is referred to as a ‘goody two shoes’. At school I would try very hard to do what I was told and to blend as best I could with my peers. Being accepted was a huge deal to me. I did not like mean people but I was also fascinated by what I perceived as their strength. Something I didn’t feel I had. I was however a champion at adaptability. When you move around a lot you get to learn how to adapt as a survival mechanism.
My inner eccentric which is pretty damn close to my authentic self, was not quite comfortable in amongst the others of humanity. My authentic self was trying hard to find its place and it knew there was more to it, but it had no idea where to find it.
At 11 years old I said to my parents I want to get christened. I thought the romanticism of a nun looked pretty cool and lurking in there was the deeper meanings to life that intrigued me. A life of integrity perhaps? My parents happily supported me in my wish, only to find not long after that I was not buying the religious control program one bit, nor was I much of a follower even though my needy behavior with my peers said differently.
The good girl thing wasn’t working for me very well. I wasn’t very academic as my grades would attest, nor did I have any desire to work hard for my grades, be a library monitor or a prefect or for that matter….a nun.
After a while I got bored with trying to be a good girl and hunted out more challenging opportunities. I hung out with the tough kids, smoked, swore, wagged school, went out to discos and shared bottles of booze and snogged boys. None of it really appealed, but fitting in did. My sense of humor was fast becoming my greatest asset, a great cover for someone who is swimming in a sea of possible sharks and the like.
However I would often come out with bizarre or very deep questions that would send my peers either in reels of mocking laughter or stares of ‘What is wrong with her’. My authentic self wanted to dive in deeper and that’s not what was socially appropriate. I felt my questions were much like stink bombs I would let off and people just moved away as I was seen as a downer. So back to the ‘funny girl’ to be more accepted.
As the years went by I found myself seeking out more ways to challenge the image of who I thought I could be. All were important lessons and all took me to some very dark places within myself as I went against my authentic sense of integrity. I jumped into a flaming volcano. I paid dearly for it on many levels and the cosmic smack in the face was profoundly powerful. What I woke up to was that I had lost my authentic self. I was living for the influences outside of me. Thinking that outside influences knew better than me what was my path. I had turned myself into a sheep and that created anger and self loathing.
I gave my power away to others I admired or wanted to be more like. I dived under a rock rather than face myself and trust in my own inner authentic compass. The need to belong to this human race was becoming less relevant and the need to be comfortable in my own earth suit was far more important.
When I dived into the fascination of the spiritual path, I did so with gusto. I dived here, I dived there, and I dived a little bit everywhere. I’m a diver by nature, not a surfer. Interestingly enough it says in my astro chart, be mindful of not getting involved in cults. It seems I was born with bullshit cult radar and even when I did dive in to check things out, my radar always, always pulled me out and said. ‘No, this is not your path’. So I never really feared that a cult would swallow me up yet I do totally get why others find the need for it and each to their own walk. The cult for me was my social peers and it took me a good while to awaken from that influence.
In other lives I have, on the whole been a lone walker who stood my ground, spoke from my authentic self and has been killed for it over and over again. This time it took me quite some years to realize that I didn’t have to hide behind the memories of the nunnery, the covenant, the monastery, the temple, the veil, the fire, the banishment or the hang mans noose. It’s ok to be my authentic self. It’s not about others accepting me as much as it is my own self acceptance.
My authentic self is big on integrity, always has been. That is something that has walked within me lifetime after lifetime. It’s much like the feeling the two black panthers that walk beside my spirit body give out. They are full of integrity, clear and honest with me and have very good boundaries. They can smell out danger and disrespect fast and do not put up with any form of attack. Other than that they are loving, affectionate and playful.
I am averse to bullying, snobbery, bigotry, racism, shaming, exclusion, and elite-ism. I’m from the old school of understanding that humbleness brings growth of spirit. When I am with a client, I am not seeking to have power over them or feeding my ego (if that was what I wanted I would have stayed on the stage). I am looking for a common place where we are equal, where there is mutual respect, a meeting of the souls and where I can be of guidance. What I have learned is not owned, but I have worked damn hard to re-remember what I feel is important.
There have been several times in my life where I could have grabbed fame by the tail and ran with it, but spirit had other ideas, as did I it seems. I remember being on stage and getting standing ovations, or being crowded by people fanning my ego. It was flattering, don’t get me wrong but not deeply nourishing enough. I like to be of service to people, see the gifts I have been given put to good use. The gratitude that comes is deeply heart warming and soul affirming.
I like many are a work in progress to become more authentic. I have worked on the inside for many years, lifetimes. I feel more whole than when I began this life as my attention was divided into so many fragments of influence. I kept looking outside and forgot to ask myself what it was that was important to me personally? What did I really believe in? What did I value? And that is it ok to be uniquely me regardless of others opinions.
When I really got comfortable with my truth, it showed that those who love me are comfortable as well, no matter how eccentric I may seem. I don’t need to convert them or convince them of any theory or right view of the world, it’s within me sitting comfortably. I do not shove my beliefs on anyone. I invite them to take a peek. If they are curious they will inquire further. I feel like I am now honoring my authentic uniqueness. I am not a copy of anything or anyone. I am my own original self with all the flaws included and I have created my business in line with what is important to me and what I am here to offer. Enlightenment can find me when ready, I’m in no rush and busy enjoying all life has to offer. I’m into being real, not being perfect.
This has nothing to do with how another lives life or thinking that anyone is living a better version than anyone else. It’s about being able to live in line with your own values, morals and sense of integrity.
Look into your own private walk with yourself and how you are traveling with your own personal integrity, morals and values.
Is your compass working?
Are you walking inline with your inner compass?
Food for thought……
Remember there is no-one else like you in the world. Seek to be your unique authentic self rather than a copy of someone you think you should be.