The majority of people I meet have issues stemming from their childhood and if you dig down deep enough the same child is inside the adult still feeling very hurt and misunderstood. We tend to get frozen in places that made a traumatic impact on us emotionally.
When we arrived here in body, we already had chosen our parents to be the ones to teach us best what we needed to learn no matter how heavy the circumstances. However what is being taught to us is not always what is obvious. If we take the charge out of the button that is being pushed we can see better the issue that we need to unlearn.
Many of our grandparents and parents come from a time not long after war. Emotions and how to deal with them was not a priority, surviving hardship and depression was more than enough.
Security both financially and physically was the priority. When a man found work, provided a home, food, and clothes for his family that was his concept of loving those he cared about. He would come home exhausted and want a good meal and not too much chatter so he could wind down.
Our mothers would run around organising the home, the children, and all the things in between. As long as the kids were healthy, well dressed, clean and well mannered she had done her job.
However the woman was often disappointed in her dream of what she though marriage was. Not long after the honeymoon things became more routine. If she felt needy emotionally she was taught to not display this to her husband. Not to burden him with needless concerns and just get on with it.
If you remember this era was the time of the influx of Valium ‘mothers little helpers’. Women felt lost in this day-to-day programme and other than playing bridge and going to a business cocktail party she felt she was missing something.
The woman generally didn’t have control of the finances so she had to get permission from her husband. If he went away she would have to dutifully wait for him as a good wife would and not complain (like many of her previous ancestors who waited for men to return home from war). Men of that era were not taught about how to please a woman other than formal gestures on special occasions and women certainly were not even supposed to ask. So in the bedroom much of what was felt was not shared at all. And if there were a hint of him getting it elsewhere the shame would be upon the wife for not doing her job. If the marriage failed it was always her fault in the eyes of society and especially her female friends. She was shamed both within the home and in the community and the man was left to dive into the only thing he had control over, his work.
These are the people we as children expected to learn how to deal with deeper issues from. How can we expect them to teach something they never got taught? We need to look for the signs of love beneath what they say. Our parents loved us the best way they knew how, but they still had a lot of programming from many generations past and were even less interested in dealing with the deeper trauma’s of life. Wars bring trauma to all people, all members of families, and it follows through generation by generation.
I am a daughter of an officer and I still fill out the Vietnam vets yearly surveys to let them know how it impacts on future generations.
Our generation and the generations to come are exploding with emotion to the point that is like a volcano out of control at times. When we come from such suppression of feelings volcanic explosions are likely to occur.
Our ancestors were taught that discipline was there to control the emotions of a child, which was deemed inappropriate. Beating a child was common, silencing a child was common. Shaming a child was common because they could not face their own feelings that had been shut down for so long.
A client of mine recently called her parents to share some good news and instead of doing that they shared their concern. She was saddened by their response and asked my viewpoint. I shared the excerpt below and she asked if I could write a blog on it, as it was so relevant to her understanding
<The mother wants to not worry about the child, she wants you to be totally taken care of so she doesn’t have to worry any more about if your ok or not.
The father wants to tell you how to fix it.
They need to feel that they still have some authority in your life even if it’s just to tell you to be aware or not to do something.
These are the behaviors they hang onto to feel that they are still important and still needed.
Her worry is her bent way of saying she loves you. His fix it mentality is his bent way of saying that he loves you…. they just come from a whole other generation of behavior. Empathy, heart-felt communication and empowering others is not something that they necessarily learnt or were allowed to feel after war times…it was to hold tight to what was yours and get your priorities in order.
Hence we often experience feelings of rejection via their behavior. As you grow up within yourself you will feel more accepting of their INSENSITIVITY. The children teach the parents by example how to love beyond what they have been taught. >
These elders are walking into an era that they don’t understand and it is way out of their depth to comprehend at times. If we ignore our wounds and don’t assist the inner child to feel safe we will all stay as stuck as wounded children never be free from getting our buttons pushed when our parents show little interest in our deep diving discoveries.
My mother recently turned 8o years old. Our relationship was always loving but its gotten healthier over the years the more I have worked on my own inner challenges. I wrote on her card.
‘Thank you for giving me the greatest gift of allowing me to find my own destiny’.
She cried as I did writing it. My mother and father have always wanted me to be secure financially and taken care of. Well I didn’t give them what they wanted, I gave them something else. I gave them me, the real me, the authentic me. I did try to fit the mold for a while but I just couldn’t fit the costume.
Initially, I am sure they hoped I was going through a stage, rebellious hippy, some kind of spiritualist cult member etc..and when I went mad and cut all my hair off, well they thought they had really lost me.
Years later I sit being more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I’m living the life that suits me, I am doing the work that brings out the best in me and I am more content and laugh more. I don’t have to argue my point to win as I used to all the time. I have less reason to defend myself, as there is nothing to protect and nothing to hide.
When I talk with my mum now I can hear what’s underneath. I know she loves me deeply and is very interested in my wellbeing. We have a really lovely relationship. However what I do in my counseling and journeywork is just too much for her to emotionally conceptualize. For her to dive with me into this stuff she would need to dive into herself and she is from a generation where there was no compass for guidance.
We are the egg crackers of that hard shell. We have our work cut out for us! We are teaching our parents and people of that generation by example that we are here to challenge what lurks in the deep ocean of our own subconscious inner worlds.
We are indeed the ones we have been waiting for.
It seems at present the younger generation is going all out to show everything on all levels, body, mind and soul. But that understandable as it’s a retaliation from the past restrictions and hopefully in time the balance will come and more will stand up and deal with these feelings in a balanced and insightful way.
But for now, whatever age you are. Honor those who have gone before you. Listen to their stories, they may have their challenges but they have seen and experienced things that you have never seen. They have gifts to offer you if you read between the lines of their intent.
Even if your ancestors brought great sorrow to your life. Thank them for showing you that the path you want to walk is different. And on behalf of your ancestors start making your own trail, your own path and in doing that you help to release them from their spiritual bondage of fear.
Each generation is stronger and wiser than the previous. In the name of your ancestors walk a path you can feel empowered by. By doing that you will overcome so much.
Blessings to our blood ancestors. Thank you for all your teachings both in shadow and in light. May we bring healing to the bloodline by our own self acceptance, courage, compassion and insight. Blessed Be.
Blessings on your journey within and without.