From Suffering To Softness

I didn’t understand what suffering meant when I was young. All I knew was that when I didn’t fit in or got the message of rejection, there was deep pain, a sense of being bruised from the inside and it just kept attracting more of the same. From those painful encounters, I would subconsciously decide to continue that exact narrative towards myself into the future.

I truly believed that there was something wrong with me. I via the treatment of my peers condemned myself to be faulty in some way. A flawed excuse for a human being who did not adhere to the path of the collective norm. I did not belong.

I wasn’t the popular girl that was a magnet for guys, I wasn’t the brainy nerd who was wise enough to escape to the library at lunchtime, I wasn’t the sporty girl, the head prefect and I wasn’t the feisty thick-skinned kid who couldn’t care less if I had friends or not. I wasn’t even the bad girl. No, I was none of those.

I was the one that always wanted to know why, but primarily I was the pleaser, the kid that needed to be liked, be accepted and suffered terribly for it.

I remember a time in my early years when I literally tried to buy friends by bringing chocolate to a new school I was trying to adjust to. My heart goes out to that lovely, odd and fun little girl who didn’t think she was enough.

As I aged that belief continued and grew cement shoes. I didn’t fit the normal relationship model of success, I didn’t fit the normal buy a house, have children, have a super fund type of person.

I suffered because I couldn’t become normal and it hurt that I didn’t feel like a member of society. It’s great if you are feisty and eccentric from the get-go, and naturally rebel, but I didn’t have that, I was a good girl looking for approval and good girls are meant to fit the mould.

Do you have kids?
How do you tell someone in a casual conversation that your child died in the womb? And no you can’t carry children?
Are you married?
How do you tell a person that you don’t need to be married but yes you do love men, but just don’t want to be in ownership with one?

And yes, those questions however kindly intended, added a glacier to the suffering as both of the answers brought up wounds for me. Wounds that said, I don’t fit, I failed.

I would never fit the expected ‘normal’ model.

This belief that somehow without a sense of belonging, without having a child, without being married, without having a house to call my own with another, without being included in the land of the norm, I was not worth it.

The suffering wove itself into my personality and the lack of self-esteem equalled what I believed I was worth.

Depending on our culture, upbringing, environment, and generational patterning, we all carry a core wound that can become our own self-created suffering. The Buddhists say that’s the nature of humanity, to suffer but at the same time, we are given the opportunity to relieve our suffering by developing insight and becoming more conscious. And that is indeed what I have spent time doing, gaining insight and growing in conscious acceptance.

In that acceptance, especially of my shadowed patterns of belief, I have grown towards a comfortable softness, a comfortable kindness within. That’s not to say that I don’t have flare-ups of low self-esteem, but the major difference is, that I have a stronger part of me that doesn’t let that belief rule my inner psyche.

Suffering can be transformed into a motivator.

As I aged I could see that this underlying belief was eroding my spirit, my passion, and my sense of meaning. Everything else that was happening in my life was made small due to this belief taking up so much damn inner space.

I needed to stop avoiding my shadow beliefs and look this suffering straight in the eye so I could stop being its victim and bowing down to the weight of it. I needed to stand up and say to myself, thank you, thank you for coming, for teaching me, for showing me, but I am done with this self-inflicted suffering and I chose a different way to learn.

I found via insight meditation that I could gain enough distance to watch how my thoughts got obsessive over certain issues and would not let go which is what lead me to greater inner suffering, and gems and pearls of the art of Voice Dialogue offered me some understanding of how different parts of my subconscious played roles that came along at different times in my early years to help initially and ended up getting blocking the way.

The judge, the critic, the poor me, the protector, had a way of ganging up together and blocking me from getting to the core of the issue.

At the core of the wounding, sat my inner child who was getting bombarded by all of this negativity. The judge would condemn others but also condemn her, the critic would pick on her and tell her she wasn’t good enough and she needed to improve, and the poor me would make her feel bad that she wasn’t loved enough nor probably ever would be, and the protector would get really pissed off and resentful on her behalf. It was really hard to find a conscious link to her with all of them blocking my way.

I remember hearing someone say ‘You are so very hard on yourself and like many, I seemed to be at ease at being a lot nicer to others than I was to myself.

Didn’t I think I deserved to be nice to myself? Heading back to that memory at school in those early days and all the bullying that took place in my teens, clearly not. I

As a child born in the 60’s I had been brought up to not be selfish and to think of others. As the pleaser, the good girl, I think I took that credo way to far and put myself either primarily in the wrong or last on the list if at all.

The only way I could stop this pattern was to mend the way I thought and felt about myself. It didn’t matter what others thought or felt about me, it really came down to how I treated myself. I have learned the benefits of becoming a wise parent towards myself. Someone else may have initially initiated the wounding but I was now the owner of the feeling so it was up to me to stop adding to it.

Nowadays the upsetting thoughts are acknowledged and then unpacked with softness, cleared with tools and most importantly my inner child has my attention. I connect deeply with her and I am full of validation and kindness. It’s not like I am indulging her in any way. I am simply being there, holding space with healthy boundaries and realigning her in the truth and knowing that she is complete and accepted in all her feelings and most of all the truth that nothing is wrong with her.

Within that, I am hugely restored and have a deep sense of self-compassion and self-confidence.

That wound of low self-esteem has become a gift, that wound has taken me on paths toward my passion, that wound has taught me about healthy boundaries, that wound has brought me to knowing who I am and liking all of who I am and my place in this world. I am not normal and more so than ever, I am incredibly comfortable with that knowledge.

The shaman’s path of healing is to ingest the issue, navigate its origins, negotiate with it and then release it. I like to think that’s how I approach my inner suffering now.

Below is a little guide that may be helpful:

Ingest the wound: Swallow it, Feel it, where in your body does it affect you most? How does it sit with you, this wound, this suffering? Does it belong to you?
Navigate: What is at the base of this wound? When did this wound start? What is the core belief at the bottom of this wounding? What is the original cause? How did it manifest in you? By what means?
Negotiate: What does it look like? Does it have a vibe of some kind? Let it know you are now aware and ask what you need to do for it to back off or take a back seat. Thank it for its teaching, however hard the experience.
Release: Let it know you have got this now, you are the primary carer for yourself and you don’t need to learn via this wound anymore. With some ritual and visualisation, blow it back to the source.
Nourish your inner self with kindness towards your inner child. Tap your upper heart like a slow drum beat and let her know you are there for her.

When you can allow yourself to be aware, soft, receptive and connected so much inner suffering falls away naturally.

Make your suffering a guidepost to deeper healing towards a receptive softness.



(c) O. Nightsky 2022

Beyond worry and suffering

When the word ‘suffering’ appears, we automatically think of someone or something being hurt in some way and unless your a sociopath or a psychopath or disconnected from your feelings due to these conditions, most will feel deep empathy towards what we see to be a beings state of suffering. It may be not the case however when we are on a justice walk and someone has made others suffer. We see their suffering as somewhat justified.

In today’s times with social media and corporate giants of the media seemingly running the narrative, we see a great deal of suffering on both a global scale and a personal scale.

When someone I know is suffering, I do my best to not worry about them as I don’t want to send my worry vibe toward them energetically. Looking at the etymology of the word worry, below, no wonder I feel It’s not going to help them in any way.
Worry (v.) c. 1300, wirien, “to slay, kill or injure by biting and shaking the throat” “to strangle.”
I realise that we see this word differently from the original but still, people sending out worrying thoughts are not sending those in need anything positive in any way. Just think about it. When you are worried about someone, what is it you are projecting towards them? Fear.

I am not one for praying either as to me it feels somewhat like begging (look up Stephen Fry and his address to the catholic church for more on that view) but I know many feel a sense of connection when they pray, so each to their own path as long as it’s not encased in worry.

What I have always been moved to do, is to send compassion towards those that I feel are in need and I visualise it infused with starlight. That way I know I am adding something heartfelt to their energy that will be of benefit rather than something that may add to their upset.

Also if I am close to that person I may call on a spirit animal to ‘have their back’.

A dear friend (much like a daughter to me) had to face court due to a horrible situation and I was unable to be there. She was often scared due to the prosecution gaslighting and projecting lots of negative things upon her. The legal matters are never swift and she often said how she could feel me with her at times, due to keeping me in the loop when she went into the courtroom. Knowing this was helpful to her I got quiet and saw her with a large bear right behind her back as she leaned into it and felt safe and protected. When she came out of the court she said she could feel me so strongly supporting her. What she felt was the bear energy that I sent that I work with along with compassion wrapped in starlight. If I sat there worrying, all I would be doing would be adding to her fear and I didn’t want that.

The Buddhists refer to suffering a great deal. They see suffering as a result of us clinging to our desires or running from our aversions. After many silent 10-day meditation retreats and my experiences with Buddhism in this life and from others, I have gained a lot of insight into my inner world and how my mind can be a brilliant trickster.

A lot of my inner suffering arose due to me fighting uncomfortable feelings, running from them or ‘trying’ to ‘fix’ them. And by these reactions, I suffered even more. I’m not a practising Buddhist but I have learned so much from the middle path which has benefited me greatly. I learned that being nothing more than a compassionate witness to my suffering, was one of the most freeing acts I could offer myself. I gained an innate sense of ALLOWING the states I did not like to BE ACCEPTED as they were. The results of that? A massive decrease in personal suffering and insights into what steps to take to enhance growth and healing.

When we look at the etymology of the word ‘suffer’ The definition begins with
Suffer (v.) mid-13c., allow to occur.
We don’t want suffering to occur, we don’t want to even allow it to continue. Because we feel it’s intrinsically wrong. Again playing in the duality of right and wrong, good and bad, dark and light. As far as emotions go, observing and accepting them does help greatly. Firstly because it’s dissolving the inner dualistic battle. Sufferings antidote is compassionate observation.
As far as suffering in the world goes, of course, we want to help. Many are doing that right now in so many wonderful ways out of compassion for those in need.

On a spiritual and energetic level, we can be of help also.
Imagine a large group of people sitting in front of a large TV screen watching horrific things and worrying and projecting that worry out into the ethers, compared to a large group of people connecting and sending compassion and safety. I know which group I want to sit with.

This is what the Buddhists refer to as Metta; compassion loving-kindness. You first fill your own inner cup with compassion (if you have trouble feeling compassion, visualise something that represents pure unconditional love to you that you have no codependent attachment to, and then hold your arms out as if you are reaching for it and slowly pull it towards you to fully breathe it in and merge with it)and then when you are at peace, send compassion to those in need.
This way you are not only easing your own suffering and worry, you are also helping energetically rather than adding to the issue.

May we all practice more Metta for the benefit of ourselves and in turn all those in need.



(c) O. Nightsky 2022

Body Consciousness

To have a receptive relationship with ones earth suit, it’s important to view our body from a broader perspective, beyond the flesh and bones and sinew. We are a mass of subatomic particles and there are many layers to this body consciousness. Etheric body Emotional, Mental, Astral, Etheric Template, Celestial and Ketheric

Etheric Body: Its the closest layer to the physical body and what state it is in indicates the health, sense of security and survival of the physical body (Root Chakra)
Emotional: Represents our feelings, emotions and state of mood and has an influence on the Etheric and the physical over time. (Hara)
Mental: Thinking, cognitive processes (Head, neck and shoulders)
Astral: Love, connection and intimacy (Heart chakra)
Etheric Template: Our bodies blueprint, Our sense of identity and unique personality. (Throat chakra)
Celestial: Our connection and receptivity with spiritual beings (Third eye Chakra)
Ketheric: One with Great Mystery (Crown Chakra)

There are twelve body layers in all but the above are the primary layers that most of us are familiar with.

In noting the above it’s important to understand our bodies beyond the flesh and know that we are a many-layered being and some layers may seem fine while other layers might be out of whack and in time that will affect the others to go out of balance as well.

Viewing the body’s imbalances from a broader perspective can help to understand the messages it offers. On the shaman’s path, we tend to view everything as living energy. In that, the approach is looking firstly at what is energetically out of whack to see if from that angle we can bring some ease and help to rebalance the physical.

Some physical body ailments may need intervention by medical professionals and some may be leftover woundings from other times that in this life is not be able to be healed due to that person needing to learn through that particular ailment. It also may indicate that one is clearing karma via living with the ailment. Each person’s story is different as each person is unique.

My relationship with my earth suit has been quite a journey.
My tally of some of my earth suit challenges goes like this.

Eyes: I arrived in my earth suit with a turned in shaking left eyeball. My ability to see the 3D reality was blurred and lopsided. As i grew I was given glasses to ‘see better. I often lost them or broke them unconsciously. At three years old the cord behind my left eye was severed. Years later it became clear to me that when I was tuning into spirit while journeying others, I would often place my palm over my left eye and when doing this I could see their journey from within and pick out things that felt out of whack. The left eye on a spiritual level sees better than my right. People in sessions often find me looking away from them as I am receiving from spirit, that’s my left eye tuning in. My eye is something I cannot change due to the nature of the operation. But my relationship to it, my understanding that I can see differently through it on a celestial level is hugely valuable.

Body: At the age of seven my earth suit body was invaded by a predator. Due to shock it froze in time and stopped developing. My lower body shook involuntarily when I felt unsafe and invaded. Years later I understood that my body was protecting me by not developing as well as convulsing. Now I know the signs when my body is out of balance and I am leaving it. The shakes rarely appear nowadays. I learned how to call myself back in and what things I needed to do to help my body and spirit realign. Although I can’t change what happened my first soul retrieval healed so much on so many levels I no longer live in that memory or the fear and it does not dictate my choices.

Kidney: Between seven and eleven my right kidney started going into renal failure. After slamming it with lots of big pharma tablets, treating it for cancer, multiple tests of horrible invasions into my little body, several operations and hormone treatment, I was left with one healthy left kidney and strong etheric right kidney energy. Years later via Chinese and Tibetan medicine, I learned what the kidney needed to be in balance, that it represented fear, and the importance of monitoring my adrenal health, how to harness willpower to overcome fears that arise and to nourish and hold space for my insecurities. I have one kidney and that’s a fact but I have been told (they didn’t know I had lost one) by several seers that I had two healthy energetic kidneys. So spiritually I work with both. I am gentle in how I overcome my fears and keep in mind the wellbeing and health of my kidney with Chinese Medicine and my body consciousness nudges me when it’s in need of more nourishment.

Vision: I woke up one day and everything was spinning out of control. I saw eight of everything. I had to walk with a stick and a random doctor told me I could have a brain tumour or possibly Menhirs disease and die (and yes that was her bedside manner to a tee!) Overcoming my fear of someone else’s assumed diagnosis, I pulled myself into the centre of the spinning whirlpool and the words Cranio-sacral nudged at me from within. After three sessions of balancing the brain and spinal fluid via an expert practitioner, I saw clear again. I was in a relationship that was literally spinning me out of control and I could get any footing. I took a long hard look at what I was creating for myself and resolved it. I have learned to pace myself and give myself more energetic space as nourishment, not as a punishment to others.

Breast: I found a significant lump in my breast. I went to get it checked out. The biopsy was horrendous as they didn’t use enough aesthetics. The test results returned inconclusively and they wanted to go in a chop me up. I turned inward and my hands automatically came up to my breast and I saw the Reiki symbols. I put my hands there as often as I remembered, tuning in and turning on the symbols. I also checked my oestrogen levels which were low (which is a good indication it’s not cancer-related) and worked on my developing a better connection to nurturing myself and healthier boundaries. The lump dissolved completely. I have learned the importance of kindness and care towards myself and how being gentle with myself helps things naturally flow better in my life.

Chronic Fatigue: Its akin to walking like a zombie through glue. Everything was a huge effort. This taught me about how much energy I gave away and did not retain for my own wellbeing. How much I leaked and let myself be drained by others needs. My intuition took me via a practitioner who I had trusted in over the years to the invention of ‘Infocuticals’ which rebalances the body back to its natural state. The result? Optimum energy returned and learned tools to keep my centre of awareness within my own energy field. I have learned to monitor my self-care. Taking breaks, time out, massages, spending more time in nature and listening to when my body wants a dose of vibrational realigning help.

The above examples often had to do with my energy being out of balance and not being able to properly nurture myself. As they say, when we don’t listen the body will make us take notice.

I do quite a bit of inner body listening nowadays and have learned ways of tuning in to my mind, heart, and body consciousness to see what they want to share with me and what they need. I get a lot of good results from that. I also listen to my body inner tugging. For example, I may get up and suddenly something in my natural medicine shelf comes to mind and I know it’s my body asking for it. I do what it asks. Does it sometimes trick me? No, not really, due to now knowing the difference between let’s say a chocolate craving and a nudge. The craving has a pulling, needy vibe about it. The nudge is just that, a gentle nudge popping in. I listen to those and take action on them and they are always in sync with what my body needs. How do I know that? My body responds positively to it within 24 hours.

Maybe one of the reasons that I can hear my bodies needs is that a good chunk of my childhood was spent under the medical model where I was out of my body most of the time trying to survive. I wanted to be empowered and make my own choices by finding out what my body responded to best. I am not against the medical model as it can save lives, fix broken bones, repair arteries, remove failing kidneys etc. I just wanted to be in tune with what my earth suit needed from me.

Modalities that I have found my body responds to well.
Chinese Medicine: Herbs especially. (Be sure to find a well-experienced practitioner)
Craniosacral Osteopathy: Muscle, head, bones. No cracking or manipulation, the body just drops in and let’s go to the expert touch. (as above)
Infocuticals: Realigning my body back to natural optimum health (source online)

Now after reading what I have written I invite you to write an itinerary of your bodies challenges, what works, what doesn’t work and what insights you have or now can gain from each physical challenge. What did you need to learn from your body stopping you in your tracks? Put your hand on any relevant part of your body and ask. Listen to the first thing that pops up and write it down, no matter how daft it may sound as it may make more sense further down the track.

Working in the world of shamanism is very much about being able to be in multiple worlds. The body is itself is a multiple layered world The etheric, emotional, mental, astral, celestial, ketheric. We need to tune into more than just our flesh for answers. We need to tune into our whole body consciousness to garner what works for us as individuals.

If you would like to know how to tune in and listen to your conscious earth suit needs more, visit me at my website for a session.

Blessings Odette

(c) O. Nightsky 2022

The Coal Dust Of Criticism

Back in the days not so long past. Miners used canaries to test the quality of the air down below, to see if it was a risk to humans. Many canaries died.

I liken self-criticism to the coal dust that many including young children breathed in day after to day, to the point it would end up scaring and turning the lungs black, creating dis-ease.

Criticism affects ones mental well-being.
Criticism leaves tangible scars.
Criticism shrinks our ability to breathe in quality life force.
Criticism makes us feel heavy and weighed down.
Criticism blocks us from connecting.
Criticism leaves no room for compassion.

As you are reading this I am sure you can remember a time in your youth when you were criticised and how much it stung. Somewhere deep within the scar is very likely to still be there, especially if your still currently feeling its sting. Like many others, you took on that sting as a truth.

What about constructive criticism you ask? To be frank I have rarely found criticism to be constructive. I’m all for positive feedback and taking responsibility for what one says, whether sober or not. Many years ago I learned the art of non-violent communication. That along with mindfulness makes you much more aware of what comes out of your mouth and to use your words wisely when standing your ground.

The majority of us tend to literally absorb criticism and then somehow we have this incredible knack of turning it upon ourselves and repeating its dialogue! We learn how to run ourselves down via someone else, Be that a parent, a sibling, peer group etc. When we are young we are so open and absorbent that even if the criticism is not targeted at us, but perhaps a loved one that we care about, we tend to remember it, absorb it and turn it into a belief. Some then use criticism to protect themselves by dishing out to others or attracting people who dish it out to them or both.

Where does it stop? It stops with us. A big mammoth full STOP! We are the ones that have mastery over our own inner dialogue, no matter if it was another person’s fault for what they said. We often feel the victim of the runnings of the mind but again that’s a learned behaviour. Our mind is very pliable, mutable and has the ability to adapt to new ways of working. We just need to be its sovereign systems manager and be consistent in our management.

Criticism is highly addictive and can weirdly feel empowering as it gives one a sense of power to run down another. The empowerment is a complete illusion. It offers no authentic power whatsoever. It just slowly fills us with black coal dust, and others feel the shadow of it. As self-criticism fills us with its thick dark sticky dust it slowly eats away at any sense of authentic empowerment we may have originally felt.

Many who have a strong self-critic find it hugely difficult to stop the inner dialogue as it has the addictive element to it. Like a parasite feeding off every nasty thing that comes to mind. So it’s also really important to check your energy field via the Meditation For Sensitives in my book ‘The Bridge Between Two Worlds, A Shamans View of Schizophrenia & Acute Sensitivity.’ or you can order the mediation on its own it for $8 Aus. You see low vibrational energies and entities are attracted to this coal dust of criticism. As the coal dust coats the lungs it pulls in more dust to its walls. The lower your vibration the more open you are to psychic attack. I often find if I have absorbed something of low-grade energy I am very self-critical, impatient along with an unusual need for sugar. So be mindful to clear your energy field of what that coal dust critic attracts.

Those who are used to my blogs know I often speak from my own experience as I find that being authentic and truthful in my walk helps others to feel less isolated in their challenges.

I was highly critical of myself, primarily because I didn’t feel I fitted into the norm. At home, I was criticised for being too sensitive, too overemotional. At school I was often picked on due to my learning difficulties, my small stature, my looks, my accent, and yes, my weirdness. All these things I absorbed as faults within myself. My happy bright inner child began to slowly fill with coal dust. Initially, I seemed to just breathe the coal dust of other criticisms in, but as time went on I took over all their roles and inflicted it on myself.

What pulled me out of it? Three very important tools.
Mindfulness firstly, because it really helped me see how my mind worked to sabotage myself.
That followed with Voice Dialogue. Actually stepping back and seeing what role my inner critic played as an initial protector.
Once I got a grasp of how to manage my mind I sought to repair my connection to my inner child. As she was the one taking on all my self-criticism.

The first-ever soul retrieval I did to reclaim my abused inner child from a horrible incident, shifted something quite profoundly. Having that lost fragment returned to safely changed my inner trajectory and suddenly I felt a deep sense of maternal responsibility to nurture her. Instead of wanting to fiercely protect her which was my earlier reaction to being wounded and unsafe. I was more inclined to want to nourish her and tell her that I was right here for her, that she was unconditionally loved and there was nothing wrong with her in any way.

Over the years this has evolved to a simple act of tapping (to me is more like a slow thump of a drumbeat) my upper heart (between my throat and my heart chakra) and repeating out loud so I can hear myself say it….. ‘There is nothing wrong with you, your wonderful just as you are, I’ve got you, I love you to the moon and back.’

This is like an elixir of reassurance for my inner child. My body tension immediately drops as my centre of awareness pulls into that area. My inner critic comes to a halt and starts to dissipate. I become the archetypal parent to my child instilling a sense of nurturing and trust within them and hence within me. The mother archetype instils a sense of nurturing and the father a sense of trust. We become the yin and yang blend of the masculine and feminine in order to nourish the child’s needs for positive reassurance.

It has been proven that sensitive people are profoundly crushed by criticism as children whereas they thrive with positive reinforcement and validation. Am sure the majority of kids are like this. Like a plant, we thrive in sunlight and struggle to grow without it.

Each thumping tap of the drumbeat you offer your upper heart while telling your inner child that there is nothing wrong with them and they are unconditionally loved, helps to clear the black soot of criticism. If you know you have a strong leaning towards self-criticism or criticism of others, write the bile thoughts out in a journal and get them out of your consciousness and then tap your upper heart. This way you don’t fight that your being critical as fighting only makes things multiply. Instead, you are acknowledging, taking responsibility and clearing that which does not serve you any longer in order to move into a more compassionate space towards yourself and others. I always say thank you to things I am letting go of no matter what their vibration as they are all part of the path of growth and learning.

May this encourage you to clear some inner coal dust to make way for the flow of compassion so it leads to a better relationship with your inner child.

For further guidance, you are most welcome to contact me for Shamanic Inner Child Journey Work.




Your Unique Authentic Self

People often ask me how did I manage to be comfortable with my unique ways of understanding and viewing things when they bumped up against… lets say societies norms both within family and peer groups.

Honestly, It wasn’t an easy ride. Looking back at my childhood after the initial early years, I definitely wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and felt very different from the norm, I didn’t trust my own instincts much at all.

On reflection, the primary wound for me was that I believed I was somehow ‘faulty’ in some way, in comparison to others. The more I thought that, the more I tried to compensate for it which just increased the feelings of not fitting in. I mean I was into Graveyards, Shakespeare, Sylvia Plath, Ghosts and Seances and diving into others psyche, and asking way too personal probing questions. Like ‘what do you think happens when you die?’ You can imagine how well that goes down in peer groups who like light chit chat? On top of that I wasn’t a reactive rebel, I was a good girl pleaser who didn’t like getting into trouble. I just wanted to belong, with my weirdness in tow.

I was regularly deemed too sensitive, too emotional, too serious and too inquisitively inappropriate. I saw and felt things others didn’t and was mocked and laughed at by even my own family.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with me, I just didn’t fit the societal norm, and I didn’t know what to do with being different. I didn’t have enough self confidence to stand up for myself because I wasn’t quite sure of who I was compared to the outside world and I truly believed via my encounters with others, that I must have been faulty. The few times I did stand up I was told I was being too righteous or full on. Probably because I held down my feelings for too long and when they did come up the energy that came with them pushed people away.

This feeling of being faulty took a long time to overcome. Strangely enough, it took me going mad and losing my sense of self within my psyche to make me wake up to how acute this imbalance was and redirected my spirit to find my authentic path.

Years later I am still weird, still sensitive, emotional, serious about certain subjects and a deep diver of the inner psyche. The difference is I am much more balanced in my inner lights and shadows and utterly happy with my differences. It has defined me in positive ways that I never imagined. It is my unique soul signature that I tried to suppress for many years, with very little success. It is accepted and lovingly embraced within my psyche

What I needed back then was for someone to put my uniqueness into a positive framework and encourage the sensitive talents I had, rather than picking on my differences. That didn’t happen due to the era of conformity I grew up in.

Over the years, I grew to understand that I needed to create my own inner peer group of acceptance (my guides and animal kin), be my own parent (I know the kind of self talk my inner child needs to hear when doubt , insecurity and fear creeps in). I have her back, hence my own. Honestly when I take time out, turn inward, connect with my inner guides (kin) and reassure my inner child that nothing is wrong with her while tapping my upper heart, and visually hold her, I get such a fulfilling nourishing feeling through my whole being, its indescribable and I feel so connected. When I do this kind of inner connecting, I feel my authentic self, truly connected in doing what comes naturally. By connecting with my inner kin and child, I return to my true nature, my authenticity.

The claiming and owning of your authentic self makes life much more fulfilling and as more of your authentic self is reclaimed your compassion for others whether they get you or not, grows. You don’t have to stand on the roof tops and shout ‘This is me! Deal with it!’ You just need to move within and tell your inner child, that they are perfect just the way they are and like a child needs loving reassurance, make sure your inner child gets the same regularly and that you hang with your inner kin when you need to feel seen and supported.

There is no-one quite like you anywhere, you are unique. Embrace it.




The Path Of Knowing

Its really easy, too easy to get thrown off ones path. Peoples opinions, judgements and influences can pull you every which way.

I can like anyone else, get pulled off the path to a degree, and in reaction I find myself getting in a mind muddle, unconsciously experiencing other peoples emotional influences in my energy field and feeling quite low mood wise.

When working specifically with spiritual or psychic influences I’m on to it and know how to clear things and bring things into balance, but admittedly when it comes to general human interactions, I sometimes forget the impact of another persons energy on mine and what I can absorb being the sensitive being that I am.

When I get the warning signs, I know its time to turn inward and recalibrate with my soul essence.

When I lived alone it was a lot easier as I would just close the doors, windows, phone etc, turn in and reboot. I would let people know so they wouldn’t worry and my friends would refer to me going into my cave.

You could even compare it to how men need to be in their cave for a time.

Not all women need to emotionally share in comparison. Some women like me, need their own space to reflect as well, maybe not a cave as such, but similar. We need our quite reflective time too!

Its an opportunity to walk inside, nourish and realign with ones inner knowing, ones inner truth devoid of outside influences.

No longer living alone, I do find it challenging, to process with constant interruptions on top of work that needs attention. And the freedom fighter in me occasionally wants scream FREEEEDOM! in reaction. Owning my inner warrior is important and listening to their needs, paramount.

Until I get a good chunk of space to myself (It takes me a while to fully wind down so a few weeks is ideal), what I can do, what I am able to do right here, right now, is spend little pockets of time in reflection within my inner sanctuary and my writing in my journal. Honestly I would be lost without the benefits of both.

Writing in my journal teaches me about myself. Not by reading it, by allowing my inner dialogue full unedited expression. I may start out by simply writing my reactions but as I continue without any need to correct, or judge, I find that my sense of authentic truth finds it way and my perspective changes from reaction to realization. It brings me back to my own inner truth, warts and all and then the insight and compassion kicks in. From there I can move into a meditative state and do what ever my soul calls me to do, be that simply being, journeying, or becoming soft with my breath. Honest expression and inner nourishment leads me to the flow of inner knowing.

Sometimes the best person to unpack things with is myself. I do get a lot from sharing with others being a woman, but I also value that inner retreat of reflection, where I can come back to my authentic connection with my soul that is connected to source.

Beyond mind, beyond feeling, way beyond belief, there is knowing. Knowing to me is inline with the middle path. It has no pull one way or the other. Its at peace in the middle, beyond the duality of yes and no, right and wrong, good or bad, like or dislike etc. It simply IS.

In the path of the Tao there is an expression Wu Wei. I learned it while doing Qigong many years back. The meaning of Wu Wei is ‘Effortless action’. Or as Alan Watts would say, ‘The art of not forcing’. The physical way I learned it before the philosophy of Taoism was taught, was standing with my legs apart hip wide, my feet firmly planted in the earth (roots) and being able to be move in any direction from the waist up (trunk) as I swung my arms around(branches) I was relaxed and ready at the same time. It doesn’t matter what comes, or from what direction, I am in a relaxed and ready state. That’s when I feel a real tangible resonance with the state of ‘knowing’ feeling relaxed, centered and yet ready for anything.

As you can see in the brackets above, I often see where the symbolism of the tree fits into my path. I view my body as a living tree in ways. So the position of Wu Wei connects me to my natural alignment with the tree energy. My legs are the roots of earthly connectedness, my torso the trunk of core stability and my arms the branches of flexibility. I become the tree that adapts to natures constant changes but stays connected and earthed. I find my way back to this space of relaxed knowing after journaling and spending time within. In writing this I have an instinctive urge to get up and do the movement of Wu Wei.

And so I did! In doing it I would like to add that I began after positioning my feet to sway a little with my arms and my knees, this way and that, and then slowing down I slowly came back to the center and stopped, which naturally dropped into the present Wu Wei space. Quiet, nourishing and empty yet also full.

From that a inner knowing arises, not of the ego, simply as sense of being, knowing, connecting beyond the mind and expectations of myself or anyone else’s influence. This is where all the opinions of others fall away and I can just be present an in alignment with my own sense of authentic truth.

May you know yours.




Spirit Rescue In Action

In my early days of training I learned something that I feel may be pertinent in these times of conflict, grief and death. Its called Spirit Rescue. This technique is to be done in a group of dedicated people who know how to take responsibility for their own energy and most importantly know how to cleanse themselves of astral debris. This is not for those that want to rescue others in the way that you want to take over and take control this is for those that want to be of service without invading some other beings journey. Its more like an invitation to help if its needed.

The best way for me to share with you is by example. And this is just one.

This was my first ‘Spirit Rescue’ in my early days of training.

When I had traveled and experienced a core number of clearing journeys as well as learning how to negotiate via non ordinary reality, I chose a place of Spirit Rescue. What this means is I chose a place where I felt there would be a lot of discarnate souls who had trouble crossing over.

I chose Bedlam (Bethlehem Hospital, the institute for the mentally insane in London, which is where Liverpool station now stands. The reason for choosing Bedlam? I was incarcerated there in another time, but that’s another story and at the back of ‘The Bridge Between Two Worlds, A Shamans View of Schizophrenia & Acute Sensitivity’, if you ever want to read about it.

So as a group of five we gathered, burned sage, lit a candle, named the place at which we wanted to meet to be of service, laid back, called in all guardians and guides and set our intention to be of service to any beings that needed help crossing over, then journeyed consciously and astrally to the site.

When you travel in the astral world for this particular journey its important not to personalize anything or do anything without permission from the one/ones you are helping. Check your inner rescuer at the door, it can make errors by thinking it knows what’s best. Never assume. If you don’t know what to do, pull back, settle yourself and ask for guidance from a guide you have long term trust in. Do not in any way bring religion into what you are doing.This can lead to religious battles of good vs evil. If you find a discarnate soul is religious then call in archetypes they can relate to that may make them feel more safe to head to the source. Do not put your beliefs onto them or you might meet with a bucking bronco.

In the journey to Bedlam, we came across some men but mostly a lot of women that were discarnate and some with babies in tow or deeply distressed because they couldn’t find them. These beings were lost in the between worlds and had no idea how to free themselves. They still felt trapped in the insane asylum.(The etheric version of it.) We offered them safe passage home by approaching their energies slowly with compassion and offered direction, a bit like a kind and patient train conductor, showing them to the source, portal of light we all intentionally opened up.

Some did not want to go due to attachments to earthly beings and if we could not assist in negotiating with them that their loved ones would be waiting once they moved to the source we did not force them in any way. In the end we helped many to cross over by just holding space with compassion and following their lead in guiding them home to source so as to no longer be bound in distress and sorrow.

Once intuitively we felt complete with our service, we journeyed back through cleansing moving waters, thanked all our helpers and mindfully with intention called our spirits back to our bodies.

As a group we all experienced things individually but there were striking similarities that proved we were in the right synchronistic alignment.

We burned sage again, nourished our selves with good food, hydrated well and took good rest.

This was an act of service via negotiation and respect for other beings.

You may feel drawn to do this in a group of people that are on the same journey path. Perhaps for those women and children that have been killed in the middle east or for any group of people or place that is in need of clearing energetically. If its a place that has strong indigenous history you must ask permissions of the guardians of that place. I would suggest in most cases you leave that to the indigenous people to take care of their own kin in that regard.

Make sure you know what you are doing, how to negotiate well, that you have a strong core self and deep connections to your guides, and don’t just do it as a groovy new age gesture. Do it with intention and integrity. If you have good counselling skills, you know that listening and validating ones clients is a huge part of getting them to trust you. Discarnate beings deserve the same respect.

Spirit Rescue is a way of being of service to the unseen and it doesn’t matter what part of the world your group of kindred are located. I would suggest to keep the groups small and in person so you can support each other, be clear of intent and be able to share and compare experiences after.

Spirit Rescue is a great tool of service that can help many who are stuck between dimensions. If you need help or deeper guidance, contact me.


Beyond The Fear & Judgement, I Will Meet You.

I have been listening to people’s points of view on the ‘Vector’ (my nickname for it) for a while now. The opinions have often been very extreme one way or the other depending who your are talking to. Some are avidly pro and some avidly against.

I am writing this because it’s one of the most talked-about subjects at this time in history. I could say nothing, but that’s like avoiding the elephant in the room so to speak. I am not writing this to spark a debate or discussion on what’s right or wrong, I am simply sharing my perspective on this challenge we are all facing.

I have been listening to people’s points of view on the ‘Vector’ (my nickname for it) for a while now. The opinions have often been very extreme one way or the other depending on who you are listening to or talking to. Many are avidly pro others avidly against and like me some are just observing how its all playing out and not rushing to take sides.

A large number of people that are against getting the ‘Preventer’ for the ‘Vector’ have good reasons that I can agree with but what I don’t like is that many seem to be judging others a great deal and view them as blind sheep who wear stupid masks who are slaves to the matrix of system control. Those that find the rollout of the Preventers suspicious (well you have to admit the testing time has been incredibly short in comparison to others previously) and are fighting for personal sovereign rights to not be coerced into taking it are labeled conspiracy theorists, nut jobs, trouble makers and whacko hippy snowflakes.

Humanity is still very entrenched in the dualism of right and wrong – really really right or really really wrong. Family members are in crisis due to differing views, friendships are breaking down due to it, and those people that don’t want it are weighing up their livelihoods against having to get the ‘Preventer.’ How does one survive if the system emotionally blackmails you by saying, “Oh you have free will but you won’t be able to access these things and you would not be able to financially survive, travel, see loved ones, shop for food, get government assistance, insurance, medical treatment and the list goes on and on.

What I have noticed across the board is that very few are sharing that if we are given the Preventer under such conditions in order to have access to all the things above…. then in what way could we possibly transform it?

This is what my inner radio station settles on when I am turning into my own response.

If this Vector is teaching us anything, its the importance of strengthening our immunity and containing our vibration, beyond the fear that spreading like wildfire.

Do I believe the vector is what they say it is? Really, my opinion on that isn’t important. I’m more concerned with how we adapt to what we are being challenged with. For some its vital that they stand up for their sovereign rights, protest, refuse any vaccination at all costs and do all they can to show how wrong it is. For others, they see it as a positive way to get humanity back on track, protect those that are vulnerable to infection, and for things to go back to their version of normal.

In my humble opinion, the earth suit that we came into in this life, is of a magnificent magical design regardless of the challenges that come with it. Sure it has a shelf life but, it’s a wondrous organic working miracle!

What is clear to me is that on a consciousness level, the Vector is a signpost to overcoming the fear that something has control over us in some way and what can do protect, clear and look after our own personal immunity. Both on a psychic and physical level.

Antibiotics have done great good and great damage in the weakening of peoples immunity as has crap GMO food, oodles of screen life, negative thinking, pollution, etc. Yes, negative thinking can play huge havoc on the immune system.

I have dealt with a lot of things via a natural pathway in my life either as an alternative on in conjunction with the standard treatments if I feel thats the way I should go, and knowing me, It won’t be much different this time.

Whatever your choice, be comfortable with it. There is no right or wrong here. Those that judge are of that duality even if they think they are more enlightened cause they know better.

So let me offer to you what my path of intention is with this Preventor and Vector challenge that we face in these quickening times. Take what you want from it and leave what doesn’t resonate. If you don’t agree with my view, that’s totally fine. It’s your body it’s your choice and there is no wrong path no matter what anyone says.

Now, lets take the scenario of me getting the preventer if thats the way it goes.

I will wait as long as possible as I am in a country that is not at a crisis point and to be honest I am in no hurry as I strengthen my immune system.

My personal preference is the preventers without the spiral code if that’s possible.

I will meditate before the preventer and see myself as a beaming star of light, call in my kin to hold space.
I will say to myself ‘I am the master, mother, caretaker, holder, of my own energy throughout the experience and each day to remind myself of this fact, be that in thought, within mediation, and whenever my intuition nudges me. I may even get a small tattoo to remind me that I am in charge of my own vibration.

I will view the preventer as an implant and thank it for coming and then remove the energetic imprint into the bucket of light.

I know that my body is a miracle and can transform anything and is willing to let go of anything that does not serve it. I will trust that my body is so intelligent it knows how to transform and adapt to whatever it is given.

I will seek to keep both my spiritual immunity up by making sure I do not watch things based on fear or judgment regarding the vector from both sides. I will offer myself positive affirmations, meditations with high vibrational sounds eg Shuman Resonance and Epsien Barr clearing (You can find these on Youtube), and meditate on grounding my spirit into the earth to keep my frequency aligned and contained in connection with the shaman’s tree within.

I will use my black stones more as they absorb what is not in frequency with me and be vigilant about clearing them by putting them in soil. I will take flower essences based on trees that have a strong root system. Like Oak, Redwood, Chestnut, etc

I will hold better core space for myself in general, cleanse what mentally is not in harmony by exercises like recapitulation for example.

I will know that whatever happens, it’s ok, I came here for it and either way, this is my walk, and it’s up to me to transform anything that is not aligned with my evolvement.

I will spend more time with my shoes off planted into the earth.

Whether you get the Preventor or not, keep your vibrational immunity
up within and without.
Thats something that you do have control over.
Blessings to you and your inner kin.



The Path Less Travelled

The path of the traditional shaman was quite brutal in many ways. They faced the terrors of madness and initiations were hard won. It wasn’t an easy path by any means. In contrast, shamanism today has become über fashionable.

In current times many have been drawn to groups run by bring in traditional Shamans so they can take plant medicine that originates from a completely different culture and landscape. Many people via the honourable medicine ritual are transformed in a very positive way, cleared of old wounds, healed from chronic addictions depending on what medicine they imbibe and where they are at in their concscous development, but its not an all cure, you also have to do your own work beyond that. Some, however, end up even more fragmented and a number of them spin out and spend time in psyche wards because they have split so much due to not being able to integrate the experience. These are the ones that usually come to see me, drawn to my credo of ’Safe Practices.

There are also what I refer to as the Glamourians, those who are all charismatic show and tell but underneath breach peoples personal space either physically, energetically or both.

Shamanism is not a fashionable new age toy to play around with, its not a party for the ego to how far out of it you can get. Its a respected medicine path of insight and like it or not you will end up facing your unconscious hidden shadows in one way or another.

How you face your shadows and who you choose to work with can make all the difference. There are some Shamans of the traditional bent who are really quite hardline, show little empathy and cut to the chase. This can be good for those that have an over inflated sense of self and need to be brought back down to earth so to speak, but it can also add more trauma to someone who is highly sensitive, who has little core strength, along with feeling intimidated by their strong no nonsense approach.

Many years ago, before I found my teacher/guide on this path I was sitting beside a lily pond in the country watching the little turtles swim around. I honestly wanted to dive into that pond and disappear into its murky darkness. The unhealed shadows were so heavy and I felt so isolated I didn’t know how to go on. I swallowed my muddled up pride and called a Shaman that I had once met who seemed to be quite ‘popular’. Shamanism was fairly new to the new age western mindset at the time. This guy was a big powerful man originally from America. I called him up in teary desperation. I got the tough love treatment. He wouldn’t listen to me, he just cut me off again and again without any kindness and lectured me, told me to take about 20 different flower remedies and that was that. I had studied flower remedies in the US a few years back and found that if I took too many at a time I just became more confused and that was confirmed by those who taught me, who were absolute experts in their field. During that low time in front of the pond, I was low on funds (often happens that when you are at your worst funds tend to dry up due to fear of lack in all regards) and there was no way I could afford 20 remedies of a brand I didn’t currently have to put into one bottle, nor did he offer to make some up to send me some.

After the phone call I looked into the pond again, feeling even more defeated with a good does of humiliation to boot. All the turtles had vanished. It seemed no one wanted to listen to my sobbing. Did he want me to get angry so I would get up and feel less helpless? I did come to feel pretty pissed off in regards to his bedside manner. I mean I could have easily decided to throw myself in to the dark depths, as that call felt like a final push of rejection. I was already so damn hard on myself I didn’t need more thumping, I needed to be held in my upset so I could find my way out. It took me a good while to learn that’s how I roll. Fortunately the times I have contemplating leaving this earth have only been a few and I have been stopped from within each time. I also get massively triggered by what I view as unfairness and injustice. So I left the pond, the turtles returned and I made some changes in my life in spite of him. Used my defiant ego to get me up and out of my slump.

After experiencing my life changing breakdown into madness and out the other side I found the teacher who was able hold space for me like no therapist, so called shaman or healer that I had ever met, could.

Sure she was tough at times (and as a human she had her own crap to deal with) but also so incredibly loving and gentle when needed and an absolute phenomenal expert in inner navigation. I was very fragmented. She taught me how to retrieve what was lost.

To this day I credit the back bone of shamanic medicine to her and how she guided me to empower myself without any plant medicine whatsoever. She adapted techniques like aspects of NLP and transpersonal psychology into a contemporary shamanic framework. Guided me the art of inner travel and the impeccable clearing of wounds. I lapped it up like a cat thirsty for milk.

Shamanic wound hunting can be incredibly confronting and at the same time wonderfully liberating. From my sensitive perspective one needs to learn from someone you can trust with your wounds, someone who can hold space for you and at the same time guide you to being your own empowered self. I have always found shamanic journeys for myself and those I guide to be so very enjoyable, even through the tears and the clearing of the pain. Within the multidimensional worlds beyond ordinary reality, it is a fantastic landscape where one can adventure beyond the limitations of the body mind.

People have often referred to me as healer but that word just doesn’t fit with my spirit. I am primarily a guide, a facilitator and a wound tracker.

In my training I was guided to my own self healing. My teacher contained me and guided me so well that did the work myself, and to me that is true empowerment for the long term.

You will face your shadows but with all the safety in place and I will be walking right beside you as you do and making sure your spirit returns to your body…. but its you that will do the healing work and you who will gain inner confidence in your own healing abilities.

This is why I refer to myself as a Contemporary Shaman, so I can teach you in these modern times how to empower yourself within this modern earth life time frame.

I chose the path less travelled and made it into my own and from that, being of service to others filled my life with greater meaning. Today for example I guided a session with a woman who travels very well. I had to go out straight after I had packed up and cleared from the session. As I opened the door I became aware that I was beaming, trilling a happy tune and smiling from ear to ear at how happy she seemed with the results.I wasn’t smiling cause I thought ‘Oh Im so brilliant!’ I was smiling because she was free of a wound she had been carrying for a long time. And she did that. She freed herself. That brings me so much joy.

Please be mindful in your awareness of shamanic therapists of glamour and high prices. Make sure you chose ones that have walked the shadows lands themselves. Read about their experiences in life. If they have nothing to share in that regard, you might want to question why they haven’t. If they put on a big show, they may be pumping it up for a reason that is not authentic.

Shamanism isn’t learnt through books and hanging out with Indigenous Shamans, getting a certificate in some weekend course, or going through crap and naming yourself one because its a great way to make some dosh.

Shamanism is the lived experience of dancing between the multidimensional adventures of shadows and light and being able to navigate well enough to reclaim what has been lost and reclaim it.




Grief, The Sacred Rite Of Passage.

Grief is one of the most important journeys we will ever experience. It has a way of taking us to places within ourselves that we never thought possible. It brings up such strong emotions for so many. There are those that don’t seem to express their feelings, tending to shut down and detach, but its not that they don’t feel, its more like they have learned through not wanting to experience deep emotions, to lock things in drawers deep down in their psyche. These people peeled back are generally far more terrified of their emotions than the ones who express them, even floridly.

The transient time during them leaving the body and fully letting go, I find to be the most challenging energetically as their are between worlds so to speak, but once on the other side, its a powerful release.

Right now this is happening in my personal life. A dear friend from a long time back is on her way out of her earth suit. I can feel her in the betwixt world now and the love and sorrow of those who will miss her dearly.

Many people want to know if those they love are alright on the other side and that can bring great comfort but often they ask for themselves, as they are the ones that are finding it so difficult to let go, due to what is left unsaid or undone. Time and time again I have had messages from those that pass over. They are no longer trapped in these earth bound emotions and thoughts regardless of what happened. They are free of them, completely.

They often nudge me to encourage people to stop blaming themselves and punishing those they may be angry with for not being there for them. To those that have passed over, these things, these dense feelings are heavy, in comparison to them being so light.

(Ghosts are another subject all together, for another post. They trap themselves via strong emotions, yet many can be released and some need to be in that state for their own spiritual evolvement.)

Losing someone dear to you can carve a deep hole in your psyche due to all the feelings and challenges that have been lying in wait to be cleared. Thats why Elizabeth Kubler Ross was so helpful in understanding the grief cycle. None of the feelings on that wheel come in any order and they hit at random and unexpected moments. Rage is common and should not be shut down but safety expressed where possible. People often lash out around someones death and often to those closest as it also bring up a sense of lack of other things that may have meaning to them on some other level.

Feelings are very hard to manage during these times and there is no right or wrong way to feel but projecting your pain onto others, really doesn’t help anyone so if you can share with someone safe or purge it in some safe way, it will be more healing than bringing more discord. If you are verbally abused, do your best to find a way to move away, drop it, let it go for your own wellbeing and everyone else’s sake in name of that person who has passed.

Journal or paint and express your hurt in a safe way and then pack it up and set it free somehow. If the death of someone brings up things that you can no longer stomach then see it as an opportunity for healing and clearing of that which no longer serves, without adding more discord. Maybe you knew this a long time ago but now death has brought it right up to the surface to be healed and cleared.

I am often asked what happens when people die. Where do they go? I can only speak from my own experience, as that is how I learn what is true for me personally.

When my middle brother passed, I was shattered to say the least. I sobbed uncontrollably in the chapel, more than anyone. Seeing his body lying there looking like he was sleeping but knowing no one was home was enlightening but at the same time devastating. I was the only member of my family to go in and see him in the open casket. The man in there insisted he stay, probably fearing I would faint. I wanted to be alone and he kept insisting till I snapped at him and told him to go. I needed to be alone with my brother and after saying it nicely several times, I just lost my cool. My mother shut down completely, my older brother was stoic but couldn’t wait to leave, and when I wasn’t trying to support my middle brothers child and his wife, I was a mess on the floor of the shower recess, sobbing my silent tears. I hoped he was alright on the other side, being the atheist as he was. I wanted him to come into my dreams so I could be sure but I wanted so hard, nothing came. Something that many who grieve the loss of a loved one have in common.

A year to the day he died, the dream came. I saw a beautiful green field rising up from a lush valley of trees and a babbling brook. On a rock wall, just high enough to sit on, we sat together. So close. I could feel the heat of his arm within his checkered flannel shirt on my skin. It was so lucidly clear, even now as I write so many years later, it never fades. I said to him,’ So, how is it? He pushed towards me, and laughed. ‘Your and all your spiritual shit! How did you know?’ I laughed hard. We had always had heated debates about spiritual existence. I was never an advocate of the religious path for more than a blink of an eye, but I was totally into ghosts the paranormal, reincarnation, graveyards and all things otherworldly.

My brother never once gave in during a battle of words when he was alive. A very fixed minded Scorpio who would not relent on what he was sure of, yet here he was poking me in the ribs while chuckling, admitting that I was right! I laughed again at the wonderful cosmic joke of it all, and then asked him more about where he was. He said he had been in this healing place for a while and was ready to moving on. I looked around at this healing place, it was so calm, serene and although it may have been a projection of what I imagine to be a healing place, it made perfect sense to me, due to what my brother suffered from before his passings.

I have felt many others who pass over from a difficult illness move into that same kind of space, its always very calm and they feel very taken care of.

Other people that have passed over who have shown me they are at peace, often show themselves in an environment that seems to fit in with their personality type. I also often see them in their last moments as they are transitioning out to the other side. The first time was seeing my best friends death, as the car was crushed and I could see and feel her last moments. To those that want to know, be assured that they are always out of there body before the impact and last breath.

The expansion of space when they move through to the other side is such a liberating feeling. Often times they share how heavy the body felt before they left it.

In suicides it can take some time and the healing place in my experience is always the next step. There is no judgement, no punishment of any kind other than the struggle to release their own anguish. And they are always lovingly supported.

I will never forget my friend who took his life coming into my dream after a year had passed . The warmth of the spirit body was amazing to feel as he embraced me to his chest.

So knowing this, experiencing this other side connection, does it make me grieve any less? No of course not. When someone close to me leaves there body, I will grieve the loss of their human being-ness. I will cry, I will mourn. And I will make sure they are on their way with all the love I can muster.

Do I now still grieve for my best friend, my friend that suicided, my father, my brother, my child that was not born into flesh? No, I don’t. Do I have moments of sentimentality and wishing they were around? Occasionally yes. of course I do. Do I feel them around me? My father, yes and strongly when he comes, my brother once in a while, my unborn child, yes within the shamanic realms when she helps me with fragmented aspects of peoples wounded child. There is a deeper connection within me in relation to them now, and I cherish it.

Many people fragment when death occurs as it can be very traumatising depending on who and under what circumstances. So its really important to practice things like recapitulation daily and if you are drowning see a grief counsellor and or book a session or two of Soul Retrieval with someone who is an expert in this field. (Not just someone who advertise it as part of along list of what they do, find and expert who specialises in this specific practice.)

Grief is a giant wave that bring us to our knees. In my experience, when a person leaves there body they do hang around in close proximity at the very least till after the funeral. Are they able to move on and still be available? Yes many are. In the otherworld there is no time, no past, present or future as such. An aspect of each being will always be available to access without them needing to be anywhere. The souls consciousness is part of great mystery and is part of the whole. Wether we can receive what is being communicated, well that for us to work on.

Each breath you take through the wave of pain, see yourself staying open even in the agony of loss. Death and birth are kindreds, they both can be incredibly painful and transitions can feel beyond uncomfortable, but it is part of our journey here.

Grief is one of the most important rites of passage on the path of life. In shamanism death is part of life and the pain takes you deeper and teaches you about your capacity to love, let go, connect to the otherworld and how far your wounds run. Its painful, very painful but also it takes you to a place like no other where you are able if you are willing to reassess and put your life into perspective. It is a grand master of a teacher and a transformer like no other.