Your Unique Authentic Self

People often ask me how did I manage to be comfortable with my unique ways of understanding and viewing things when they bumped up against… lets say societies norms both within family and peer groups.

Honestly, It wasn’t an easy ride. Looking back at my childhood after the initial early years, I definitely wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and felt very different from the norm, I didn’t trust my own instincts much at all.

On reflection, the primary wound for me was that I believed I was somehow ‘faulty’ in some way, in comparison to others. The more I thought that, the more I tried to compensate for it which just increased the feelings of not fitting in. I mean I was into Graveyards, Shakespeare, Sylvia Plath, Ghosts and Seances and diving into others psyche, and asking way too personal probing questions. Like ‘what do you think happens when you die?’ You can imagine how well that goes down in peer groups who like light chit chat? On top of that I wasn’t a reactive rebel, I was a good girl pleaser who didn’t like getting into trouble. I just wanted to belong, with my weirdness in tow.

I was regularly deemed too sensitive, too emotional, too serious and too inquisitively inappropriate. I saw and felt things others didn’t and was mocked and laughed at by even my own family.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with me, I just didn’t fit the societal norm, and I didn’t know what to do with being different. I didn’t have enough self confidence to stand up for myself because I wasn’t quite sure of who I was compared to the outside world and I truly believed via my encounters with others, that I must have been faulty. The few times I did stand up I was told I was being too righteous or full on. Probably because I held down my feelings for too long and when they did come up the energy that came with them pushed people away.

This feeling of being faulty took a long time to overcome. Strangely enough, it took me going mad and losing my sense of self within my psyche to make me wake up to how acute this imbalance was and redirected my spirit to find my authentic path.

Years later I am still weird, still sensitive, emotional, serious about certain subjects and a deep diver of the inner psyche. The difference is I am much more balanced in my inner lights and shadows and utterly happy with my differences. It has defined me in positive ways that I never imagined. It is my unique soul signature that I tried to suppress for many years, with very little success. It is accepted and lovingly embraced within my psyche

What I needed back then was for someone to put my uniqueness into a positive framework and encourage the sensitive talents I had, rather than picking on my differences. That didn’t happen due to the era of conformity I grew up in.

Over the years, I grew to understand that I needed to create my own inner peer group of acceptance (my guides and animal kin), be my own parent (I know the kind of self talk my inner child needs to hear when doubt , insecurity and fear creeps in). I have her back, hence my own. Honestly when I take time out, turn inward, connect with my inner guides (kin) and reassure my inner child that nothing is wrong with her while tapping my upper heart, and visually hold her, I get such a fulfilling nourishing feeling through my whole being, its indescribable and I feel so connected. When I do this kind of inner connecting, I feel my authentic self, truly connected in doing what comes naturally. By connecting with my inner kin and child, I return to my true nature, my authenticity.

The claiming and owning of your authentic self makes life much more fulfilling and as more of your authentic self is reclaimed your compassion for others whether they get you or not, grows. You don’t have to stand on the roof tops and shout ‘This is me! Deal with it!’ You just need to move within and tell your inner child, that they are perfect just the way they are and like a child needs loving reassurance, make sure your inner child gets the same regularly and that you hang with your inner kin when you need to feel seen and supported.

There is no-one quite like you anywhere, you are unique. Embrace it.




The Path Of Knowing

Its really easy, too easy to get thrown off ones path. Peoples opinions, judgements and influences can pull you every which way.

I can like anyone else, get pulled off the path to a degree, and in reaction I find myself getting in a mind muddle, unconsciously experiencing other peoples emotional influences in my energy field and feeling quite low mood wise.

When working specifically with spiritual or psychic influences I’m on to it and know how to clear things and bring things into balance, but admittedly when it comes to general human interactions, I sometimes forget the impact of another persons energy on mine and what I can absorb being the sensitive being that I am.

When I get the warning signs, I know its time to turn inward and recalibrate with my soul essence.

When I lived alone it was a lot easier as I would just close the doors, windows, phone etc, turn in and reboot. I would let people know so they wouldn’t worry and my friends would refer to me going into my cave.

You could even compare it to how men need to be in their cave for a time.

Not all women need to emotionally share in comparison. Some women like me, need their own space to reflect as well, maybe not a cave as such, but similar. We need our quite reflective time too!

Its an opportunity to walk inside, nourish and realign with ones inner knowing, ones inner truth devoid of outside influences.

No longer living alone, I do find it challenging, to process with constant interruptions on top of work that needs attention. And the freedom fighter in me occasionally wants scream FREEEEDOM! in reaction. Owning my inner warrior is important and listening to their needs, paramount.

Until I get a good chunk of space to myself (It takes me a while to fully wind down so a few weeks is ideal), what I can do, what I am able to do right here, right now, is spend little pockets of time in reflection within my inner sanctuary and my writing in my journal. Honestly I would be lost without the benefits of both.

Writing in my journal teaches me about myself. Not by reading it, by allowing my inner dialogue full unedited expression. I may start out by simply writing my reactions but as I continue without any need to correct, or judge, I find that my sense of authentic truth finds it way and my perspective changes from reaction to realization. It brings me back to my own inner truth, warts and all and then the insight and compassion kicks in. From there I can move into a meditative state and do what ever my soul calls me to do, be that simply being, journeying, or becoming soft with my breath. Honest expression and inner nourishment leads me to the flow of inner knowing.

Sometimes the best person to unpack things with is myself. I do get a lot from sharing with others being a woman, but I also value that inner retreat of reflection, where I can come back to my authentic connection with my soul that is connected to source.

Beyond mind, beyond feeling, way beyond belief, there is knowing. Knowing to me is inline with the middle path. It has no pull one way or the other. Its at peace in the middle, beyond the duality of yes and no, right and wrong, good or bad, like or dislike etc. It simply IS.

In the path of the Tao there is an expression Wu Wei. I learned it while doing Qigong many years back. The meaning of Wu Wei is ‘Effortless action’. Or as Alan Watts would say, ‘The art of not forcing’. The physical way I learned it before the philosophy of Taoism was taught, was standing with my legs apart hip wide, my feet firmly planted in the earth (roots) and being able to be move in any direction from the waist up (trunk) as I swung my arms around(branches) I was relaxed and ready at the same time. It doesn’t matter what comes, or from what direction, I am in a relaxed and ready state. That’s when I feel a real tangible resonance with the state of ‘knowing’ feeling relaxed, centered and yet ready for anything.

As you can see in the brackets above, I often see where the symbolism of the tree fits into my path. I view my body as a living tree in ways. So the position of Wu Wei connects me to my natural alignment with the tree energy. My legs are the roots of earthly connectedness, my torso the trunk of core stability and my arms the branches of flexibility. I become the tree that adapts to natures constant changes but stays connected and earthed. I find my way back to this space of relaxed knowing after journaling and spending time within. In writing this I have an instinctive urge to get up and do the movement of Wu Wei.

And so I did! In doing it I would like to add that I began after positioning my feet to sway a little with my arms and my knees, this way and that, and then slowing down I slowly came back to the center and stopped, which naturally dropped into the present Wu Wei space. Quiet, nourishing and empty yet also full.

From that a inner knowing arises, not of the ego, simply as sense of being, knowing, connecting beyond the mind and expectations of myself or anyone else’s influence. This is where all the opinions of others fall away and I can just be present an in alignment with my own sense of authentic truth.

May you know yours.




Spirit Rescue In Action

In my early days of training I learned something that I feel may be pertinent in these times of conflict, grief and death. Its called Spirit Rescue. This technique is to be done in a group of dedicated people who know how to take responsibility for their own energy and most importantly know how to cleanse themselves of astral debris. This is not for those that want to rescue others in the way that you want to take over and take control this is for those that want to be of service without invading some other beings journey. Its more like an invitation to help if its needed.

The best way for me to share with you is by example. And this is just one.

This was my first ‘Spirit Rescue’ in my early days of training.

When I had traveled and experienced a core number of clearing journeys as well as learning how to negotiate via non ordinary reality, I chose a place of Spirit Rescue. What this means is I chose a place where I felt there would be a lot of discarnate souls who had trouble crossing over.

I chose Bedlam (Bethlehem Hospital, the institute for the mentally insane in London, which is where Liverpool station now stands. The reason for choosing Bedlam? I was incarcerated there in another time, but that’s another story and at the back of ‘The Bridge Between Two Worlds, A Shamans View of Schizophrenia & Acute Sensitivity’, if you ever want to read about it.

So as a group of five we gathered, burned sage, lit a candle, named the place at which we wanted to meet to be of service, laid back, called in all guardians and guides and set our intention to be of service to any beings that needed help crossing over, then journeyed consciously and astrally to the site.

When you travel in the astral world for this particular journey its important not to personalize anything or do anything without permission from the one/ones you are helping. Check your inner rescuer at the door, it can make errors by thinking it knows what’s best. Never assume. If you don’t know what to do, pull back, settle yourself and ask for guidance from a guide you have long term trust in. Do not in any way bring religion into what you are doing.This can lead to religious battles of good vs evil. If you find a discarnate soul is religious then call in archetypes they can relate to that may make them feel more safe to head to the source. Do not put your beliefs onto them or you might meet with a bucking bronco.

In the journey to Bedlam, we came across some men but mostly a lot of women that were discarnate and some with babies in tow or deeply distressed because they couldn’t find them. These beings were lost in the between worlds and had no idea how to free themselves. They still felt trapped in the insane asylum.(The etheric version of it.) We offered them safe passage home by approaching their energies slowly with compassion and offered direction, a bit like a kind and patient train conductor, showing them to the source, portal of light we all intentionally opened up.

Some did not want to go due to attachments to earthly beings and if we could not assist in negotiating with them that their loved ones would be waiting once they moved to the source we did not force them in any way. In the end we helped many to cross over by just holding space with compassion and following their lead in guiding them home to source so as to no longer be bound in distress and sorrow.

Once intuitively we felt complete with our service, we journeyed back through cleansing moving waters, thanked all our helpers and mindfully with intention called our spirits back to our bodies.

As a group we all experienced things individually but there were striking similarities that proved we were in the right synchronistic alignment.

We burned sage again, nourished our selves with good food, hydrated well and took good rest.

This was an act of service via negotiation and respect for other beings.

You may feel drawn to do this in a group of people that are on the same journey path. Perhaps for those women and children that have been killed in the middle east or for any group of people or place that is in need of clearing energetically. If its a place that has strong indigenous history you must ask permissions of the guardians of that place. I would suggest in most cases you leave that to the indigenous people to take care of their own kin in that regard.

Make sure you know what you are doing, how to negotiate well, that you have a strong core self and deep connections to your guides, and don’t just do it as a groovy new age gesture. Do it with intention and integrity. If you have good counselling skills, you know that listening and validating ones clients is a huge part of getting them to trust you. Discarnate beings deserve the same respect.

Spirit Rescue is a way of being of service to the unseen and it doesn’t matter what part of the world your group of kindred are located. I would suggest to keep the groups small and in person so you can support each other, be clear of intent and be able to share and compare experiences after.

Spirit Rescue is a great tool of service that can help many who are stuck between dimensions. If you need help or deeper guidance, contact me.


Beyond The Fear & Judgement, I Will Meet You.

I have been listening to people’s points of view on the ‘Vector’ (my nickname for it) for a while now. The opinions have often been very extreme one way or the other depending who your are talking to. Some are avidly pro and some avidly against.

I am writing this because it’s one of the most talked-about subjects at this time in history. I could say nothing, but that’s like avoiding the elephant in the room so to speak. I am not writing this to spark a debate or discussion on what’s right or wrong, I am simply sharing my perspective on this challenge we are all facing.

I have been listening to people’s points of view on the ‘Vector’ (my nickname for it) for a while now. The opinions have often been very extreme one way or the other depending on who you are listening to or talking to. Many are avidly pro others avidly against and like me some are just observing how its all playing out and not rushing to take sides.

A large number of people that are against getting the ‘Preventer’ for the ‘Vector’ have good reasons that I can agree with but what I don’t like is that many seem to be judging others a great deal and view them as blind sheep who wear stupid masks who are slaves to the matrix of system control. Those that find the rollout of the Preventers suspicious (well you have to admit the testing time has been incredibly short in comparison to others previously) and are fighting for personal sovereign rights to not be coerced into taking it are labeled conspiracy theorists, nut jobs, trouble makers and whacko hippy snowflakes.

Humanity is still very entrenched in the dualism of right and wrong – really really right or really really wrong. Family members are in crisis due to differing views, friendships are breaking down due to it, and those people that don’t want it are weighing up their livelihoods against having to get the ‘Preventer.’ How does one survive if the system emotionally blackmails you by saying, “Oh you have free will but you won’t be able to access these things and you would not be able to financially survive, travel, see loved ones, shop for food, get government assistance, insurance, medical treatment and the list goes on and on.

What I have noticed across the board is that very few are sharing that if we are given the Preventer under such conditions in order to have access to all the things above…. then in what way could we possibly transform it?

This is what my inner radio station settles on when I am turning into my own response.

If this Vector is teaching us anything, its the importance of strengthening our immunity and containing our vibration, beyond the fear that spreading like wildfire.

Do I believe the vector is what they say it is? Really, my opinion on that isn’t important. I’m more concerned with how we adapt to what we are being challenged with. For some its vital that they stand up for their sovereign rights, protest, refuse any vaccination at all costs and do all they can to show how wrong it is. For others, they see it as a positive way to get humanity back on track, protect those that are vulnerable to infection, and for things to go back to their version of normal.

In my humble opinion, the earth suit that we came into in this life, is of a magnificent magical design regardless of the challenges that come with it. Sure it has a shelf life but, it’s a wondrous organic working miracle!

What is clear to me is that on a consciousness level, the Vector is a signpost to overcoming the fear that something has control over us in some way and what can do protect, clear and look after our own personal immunity. Both on a psychic and physical level.

Antibiotics have done great good and great damage in the weakening of peoples immunity as has crap GMO food, oodles of screen life, negative thinking, pollution, etc. Yes, negative thinking can play huge havoc on the immune system.

I have dealt with a lot of things via a natural pathway in my life either as an alternative on in conjunction with the standard treatments if I feel thats the way I should go, and knowing me, It won’t be much different this time.

Whatever your choice, be comfortable with it. There is no right or wrong here. Those that judge are of that duality even if they think they are more enlightened cause they know better.

So let me offer to you what my path of intention is with this Preventor and Vector challenge that we face in these quickening times. Take what you want from it and leave what doesn’t resonate. If you don’t agree with my view, that’s totally fine. It’s your body it’s your choice and there is no wrong path no matter what anyone says.

Now, lets take the scenario of me getting the preventer if thats the way it goes.

I will wait as long as possible as I am in a country that is not at a crisis point and to be honest I am in no hurry as I strengthen my immune system.

My personal preference is the preventers without the spiral code if that’s possible.

I will meditate before the preventer and see myself as a beaming star of light, call in my kin to hold space.
I will say to myself ‘I am the master, mother, caretaker, holder, of my own energy throughout the experience and each day to remind myself of this fact, be that in thought, within mediation, and whenever my intuition nudges me. I may even get a small tattoo to remind me that I am in charge of my own vibration.

I will view the preventer as an implant and thank it for coming and then remove the energetic imprint into the bucket of light.

I know that my body is a miracle and can transform anything and is willing to let go of anything that does not serve it. I will trust that my body is so intelligent it knows how to transform and adapt to whatever it is given.

I will seek to keep both my spiritual immunity up by making sure I do not watch things based on fear or judgment regarding the vector from both sides. I will offer myself positive affirmations, meditations with high vibrational sounds eg Shuman Resonance and Epsien Barr clearing (You can find these on Youtube), and meditate on grounding my spirit into the earth to keep my frequency aligned and contained in connection with the shaman’s tree within.

I will use my black stones more as they absorb what is not in frequency with me and be vigilant about clearing them by putting them in soil. I will take flower essences based on trees that have a strong root system. Like Oak, Redwood, Chestnut, etc

I will hold better core space for myself in general, cleanse what mentally is not in harmony by exercises like recapitulation for example.

I will know that whatever happens, it’s ok, I came here for it and either way, this is my walk, and it’s up to me to transform anything that is not aligned with my evolvement.

I will spend more time with my shoes off planted into the earth.

Whether you get the Preventor or not, keep your vibrational immunity
up within and without.
Thats something that you do have control over.
Blessings to you and your inner kin.



The Path Less Travelled

The path of the traditional shaman was quite brutal in many ways. They faced the terrors of madness and initiations were hard won. It wasn’t an easy path by any means. In contrast, shamanism today has become über fashionable.

In current times many have been drawn to groups run by bring in traditional Shamans so they can take plant medicine that originates from a completely different culture and landscape. Many people via the honourable medicine ritual are transformed in a very positive way, cleared of old wounds, healed from chronic addictions depending on what medicine they imbibe and where they are at in their concscous development, but its not an all cure, you also have to do your own work beyond that. Some, however, end up even more fragmented and a number of them spin out and spend time in psyche wards because they have split so much due to not being able to integrate the experience. These are the ones that usually come to see me, drawn to my credo of ’Safe Practices.

There are also what I refer to as the Glamourians, those who are all charismatic show and tell but underneath breach peoples personal space either physically, energetically or both.

Shamanism is not a fashionable new age toy to play around with, its not a party for the ego to how far out of it you can get. Its a respected medicine path of insight and like it or not you will end up facing your unconscious hidden shadows in one way or another.

How you face your shadows and who you choose to work with can make all the difference. There are some Shamans of the traditional bent who are really quite hardline, show little empathy and cut to the chase. This can be good for those that have an over inflated sense of self and need to be brought back down to earth so to speak, but it can also add more trauma to someone who is highly sensitive, who has little core strength, along with feeling intimidated by their strong no nonsense approach.

Many years ago, before I found my teacher/guide on this path I was sitting beside a lily pond in the country watching the little turtles swim around. I honestly wanted to dive into that pond and disappear into its murky darkness. The unhealed shadows were so heavy and I felt so isolated I didn’t know how to go on. I swallowed my muddled up pride and called a Shaman that I had once met who seemed to be quite ‘popular’. Shamanism was fairly new to the new age western mindset at the time. This guy was a big powerful man originally from America. I called him up in teary desperation. I got the tough love treatment. He wouldn’t listen to me, he just cut me off again and again without any kindness and lectured me, told me to take about 20 different flower remedies and that was that. I had studied flower remedies in the US a few years back and found that if I took too many at a time I just became more confused and that was confirmed by those who taught me, who were absolute experts in their field. During that low time in front of the pond, I was low on funds (often happens that when you are at your worst funds tend to dry up due to fear of lack in all regards) and there was no way I could afford 20 remedies of a brand I didn’t currently have to put into one bottle, nor did he offer to make some up to send me some.

After the phone call I looked into the pond again, feeling even more defeated with a good does of humiliation to boot. All the turtles had vanished. It seemed no one wanted to listen to my sobbing. Did he want me to get angry so I would get up and feel less helpless? I did come to feel pretty pissed off in regards to his bedside manner. I mean I could have easily decided to throw myself in to the dark depths, as that call felt like a final push of rejection. I was already so damn hard on myself I didn’t need more thumping, I needed to be held in my upset so I could find my way out. It took me a good while to learn that’s how I roll. Fortunately the times I have contemplating leaving this earth have only been a few and I have been stopped from within each time. I also get massively triggered by what I view as unfairness and injustice. So I left the pond, the turtles returned and I made some changes in my life in spite of him. Used my defiant ego to get me up and out of my slump.

After experiencing my life changing breakdown into madness and out the other side I found the teacher who was able hold space for me like no therapist, so called shaman or healer that I had ever met, could.

Sure she was tough at times (and as a human she had her own crap to deal with) but also so incredibly loving and gentle when needed and an absolute phenomenal expert in inner navigation. I was very fragmented. She taught me how to retrieve what was lost.

To this day I credit the back bone of shamanic medicine to her and how she guided me to empower myself without any plant medicine whatsoever. She adapted techniques like aspects of NLP and transpersonal psychology into a contemporary shamanic framework. Guided me the art of inner travel and the impeccable clearing of wounds. I lapped it up like a cat thirsty for milk.

Shamanic wound hunting can be incredibly confronting and at the same time wonderfully liberating. From my sensitive perspective one needs to learn from someone you can trust with your wounds, someone who can hold space for you and at the same time guide you to being your own empowered self. I have always found shamanic journeys for myself and those I guide to be so very enjoyable, even through the tears and the clearing of the pain. Within the multidimensional worlds beyond ordinary reality, it is a fantastic landscape where one can adventure beyond the limitations of the body mind.

People have often referred to me as healer but that word just doesn’t fit with my spirit. I am primarily a guide, a facilitator and a wound tracker.

In my training I was guided to my own self healing. My teacher contained me and guided me so well that did the work myself, and to me that is true empowerment for the long term.

You will face your shadows but with all the safety in place and I will be walking right beside you as you do and making sure your spirit returns to your body…. but its you that will do the healing work and you who will gain inner confidence in your own healing abilities.

This is why I refer to myself as a Contemporary Shaman, so I can teach you in these modern times how to empower yourself within this modern earth life time frame.

I chose the path less travelled and made it into my own and from that, being of service to others filled my life with greater meaning. Today for example I guided a session with a woman who travels very well. I had to go out straight after I had packed up and cleared from the session. As I opened the door I became aware that I was beaming, trilling a happy tune and smiling from ear to ear at how happy she seemed with the results.I wasn’t smiling cause I thought ‘Oh Im so brilliant!’ I was smiling because she was free of a wound she had been carrying for a long time. And she did that. She freed herself. That brings me so much joy.

Please be mindful in your awareness of shamanic therapists of glamour and high prices. Make sure you chose ones that have walked the shadows lands themselves. Read about their experiences in life. If they have nothing to share in that regard, you might want to question why they haven’t. If they put on a big show, they may be pumping it up for a reason that is not authentic.

Shamanism isn’t learnt through books and hanging out with Indigenous Shamans, getting a certificate in some weekend course, or going through crap and naming yourself one because its a great way to make some dosh.

Shamanism is the lived experience of dancing between the multidimensional adventures of shadows and light and being able to navigate well enough to reclaim what has been lost and reclaim it.




Grief, The Sacred Rite Of Passage.

Grief is one of the most important journeys we will ever experience. It has a way of taking us to places within ourselves that we never thought possible. It brings up such strong emotions for so many. There are those that don’t seem to express their feelings, tending to shut down and detach, but its not that they don’t feel, its more like they have learned through not wanting to experience deep emotions, to lock things in drawers deep down in their psyche. These people peeled back are generally far more terrified of their emotions than the ones who express them, even floridly.

The transient time during them leaving the body and fully letting go, I find to be the most challenging energetically as their are between worlds so to speak, but once on the other side, its a powerful release.

Right now this is happening in my personal life. A dear friend from a long time back is on her way out of her earth suit. I can feel her in the betwixt world now and the love and sorrow of those who will miss her dearly.

Many people want to know if those they love are alright on the other side and that can bring great comfort but often they ask for themselves, as they are the ones that are finding it so difficult to let go, due to what is left unsaid or undone. Time and time again I have had messages from those that pass over. They are no longer trapped in these earth bound emotions and thoughts regardless of what happened. They are free of them, completely.

They often nudge me to encourage people to stop blaming themselves and punishing those they may be angry with for not being there for them. To those that have passed over, these things, these dense feelings are heavy, in comparison to them being so light.

(Ghosts are another subject all together, for another post. They trap themselves via strong emotions, yet many can be released and some need to be in that state for their own spiritual evolvement.)

Losing someone dear to you can carve a deep hole in your psyche due to all the feelings and challenges that have been lying in wait to be cleared. Thats why Elizabeth Kubler Ross was so helpful in understanding the grief cycle. None of the feelings on that wheel come in any order and they hit at random and unexpected moments. Rage is common and should not be shut down but safety expressed where possible. People often lash out around someones death and often to those closest as it also bring up a sense of lack of other things that may have meaning to them on some other level.

Feelings are very hard to manage during these times and there is no right or wrong way to feel but projecting your pain onto others, really doesn’t help anyone so if you can share with someone safe or purge it in some safe way, it will be more healing than bringing more discord. If you are verbally abused, do your best to find a way to move away, drop it, let it go for your own wellbeing and everyone else’s sake in name of that person who has passed.

Journal or paint and express your hurt in a safe way and then pack it up and set it free somehow. If the death of someone brings up things that you can no longer stomach then see it as an opportunity for healing and clearing of that which no longer serves, without adding more discord. Maybe you knew this a long time ago but now death has brought it right up to the surface to be healed and cleared.

I am often asked what happens when people die. Where do they go? I can only speak from my own experience, as that is how I learn what is true for me personally.

When my middle brother passed, I was shattered to say the least. I sobbed uncontrollably in the chapel, more than anyone. Seeing his body lying there looking like he was sleeping but knowing no one was home was enlightening but at the same time devastating. I was the only member of my family to go in and see him in the open casket. The man in there insisted he stay, probably fearing I would faint. I wanted to be alone and he kept insisting till I snapped at him and told him to go. I needed to be alone with my brother and after saying it nicely several times, I just lost my cool. My mother shut down completely, my older brother was stoic but couldn’t wait to leave, and when I wasn’t trying to support my middle brothers child and his wife, I was a mess on the floor of the shower recess, sobbing my silent tears. I hoped he was alright on the other side, being the atheist as he was. I wanted him to come into my dreams so I could be sure but I wanted so hard, nothing came. Something that many who grieve the loss of a loved one have in common.

A year to the day he died, the dream came. I saw a beautiful green field rising up from a lush valley of trees and a babbling brook. On a rock wall, just high enough to sit on, we sat together. So close. I could feel the heat of his arm within his checkered flannel shirt on my skin. It was so lucidly clear, even now as I write so many years later, it never fades. I said to him,’ So, how is it? He pushed towards me, and laughed. ‘Your and all your spiritual shit! How did you know?’ I laughed hard. We had always had heated debates about spiritual existence. I was never an advocate of the religious path for more than a blink of an eye, but I was totally into ghosts the paranormal, reincarnation, graveyards and all things otherworldly.

My brother never once gave in during a battle of words when he was alive. A very fixed minded Scorpio who would not relent on what he was sure of, yet here he was poking me in the ribs while chuckling, admitting that I was right! I laughed again at the wonderful cosmic joke of it all, and then asked him more about where he was. He said he had been in this healing place for a while and was ready to moving on. I looked around at this healing place, it was so calm, serene and although it may have been a projection of what I imagine to be a healing place, it made perfect sense to me, due to what my brother suffered from before his passings.

I have felt many others who pass over from a difficult illness move into that same kind of space, its always very calm and they feel very taken care of.

Other people that have passed over who have shown me they are at peace, often show themselves in an environment that seems to fit in with their personality type. I also often see them in their last moments as they are transitioning out to the other side. The first time was seeing my best friends death, as the car was crushed and I could see and feel her last moments. To those that want to know, be assured that they are always out of there body before the impact and last breath.

The expansion of space when they move through to the other side is such a liberating feeling. Often times they share how heavy the body felt before they left it.

In suicides it can take some time and the healing place in my experience is always the next step. There is no judgement, no punishment of any kind other than the struggle to release their own anguish. And they are always lovingly supported.

I will never forget my friend who took his life coming into my dream after a year had passed . The warmth of the spirit body was amazing to feel as he embraced me to his chest.

So knowing this, experiencing this other side connection, does it make me grieve any less? No of course not. When someone close to me leaves there body, I will grieve the loss of their human being-ness. I will cry, I will mourn. And I will make sure they are on their way with all the love I can muster.

Do I now still grieve for my best friend, my friend that suicided, my father, my brother, my child that was not born into flesh? No, I don’t. Do I have moments of sentimentality and wishing they were around? Occasionally yes. of course I do. Do I feel them around me? My father, yes and strongly when he comes, my brother once in a while, my unborn child, yes within the shamanic realms when she helps me with fragmented aspects of peoples wounded child. There is a deeper connection within me in relation to them now, and I cherish it.

Many people fragment when death occurs as it can be very traumatising depending on who and under what circumstances. So its really important to practice things like recapitulation daily and if you are drowning see a grief counsellor and or book a session or two of Soul Retrieval with someone who is an expert in this field. (Not just someone who advertise it as part of along list of what they do, find and expert who specialises in this specific practice.)

Grief is a giant wave that bring us to our knees. In my experience, when a person leaves there body they do hang around in close proximity at the very least till after the funeral. Are they able to move on and still be available? Yes many are. In the otherworld there is no time, no past, present or future as such. An aspect of each being will always be available to access without them needing to be anywhere. The souls consciousness is part of great mystery and is part of the whole. Wether we can receive what is being communicated, well that for us to work on.

Each breath you take through the wave of pain, see yourself staying open even in the agony of loss. Death and birth are kindreds, they both can be incredibly painful and transitions can feel beyond uncomfortable, but it is part of our journey here.

Grief is one of the most important rites of passage on the path of life. In shamanism death is part of life and the pain takes you deeper and teaches you about your capacity to love, let go, connect to the otherworld and how far your wounds run. Its painful, very painful but also it takes you to a place like no other where you are able if you are willing to reassess and put your life into perspective. It is a grand master of a teacher and a transformer like no other.



Disowning the Dark

If you knew that the dark didn’t always represent evil or malice

would you be less afraid?

When I was a child I was terrified, absolutely terrified of the dark, mainly because I felt the lacking of my ‘sight’. Even without sight though, I could still feel things so easily. Things other couldn’t. Was it may imagination or my intuition, I was too young to know or even question. I just reacted. Usually by protecting my back in some way, as it always seemed to come from behind me, the fear that is…running up my spine

I had a reoccurring dream over quite a few years where I would be walking in the moonlight through a gate at night into the garden of someones house. There was no one to be seen, but a deep sense of foreboding fear was acute. The quiet of the night even under a blue colored moonlight, disturbed me. It was too quiet. Something was in that house, inside those dark windows beyond the verandah that I stood near. Regardless of how many times the dream repeated itself and still to this day can see it clear as day, I never found out any more about it and I had never been in a garden like that as a child nor remembered a house like it. The not knowing was the main issue. If we view it from a Jungian perspective, the house represents the inner psyche and I was standing outside of mine, afraid of what was inside, not knowing what was in there. The not knowing of my inner self, the fear of the unknown, which often happens in the dark, you have no sight, you cant see, you don’t know. My adult self now in difference knowing what it knows, would walk through the garden and into the house and says ‘hello’ and interact and clear the way to what needs to be brought back into balance

In new age circles there is a lot of talk about staying in the light and raising ones vibration. I am all for raising ones vibration but staying in the light instantly switches me to viewing a dualism mindset. One or the other, the good or the bad, the devil or god. Our inner light will never be sustainable unless we balance it with the understanding of the dark.

The dark is the FEMININE. The MASCULINE is the light. The light can be unbalanced just as much as the dark. When new agers say do not give any attention to the dark they are disowning the feminine and the ability to be more whole. One can be blinded by the light so much that they can no longer view the picture clearly and lose empathy for those lost in the shadows of their own psyche.

The dark is simplest form is the unseen and the unknown. When you face the unseen it can be seen and brought into balance. You can use the light to do that, like bringing a candle into the dark to shine a light on what needs to be seen, but not to blind you from what’s waiting to be acknowledged.

In shamanic lore, the darkness is of equal importance as is the light. To understand what someone is dealing with emotionally often needs to be hunted down in the darkness of the psyche so it can be seen and acknowledged and healing can take place for the benefit of all. In Chinese Medicine the balance of the Yin and Yang is of paramount importance. In Buddhism, one doesn’t ignore the darkness, one observes it and in Tibetan Buddhism, one then negotiates and works with it via compassion.

I finally overcame my fear of the darkness by having no other choice but to face it both internally and externally. Once I understood the dynamic internally the external was much easier to overcome. Internally I had to face my fear of the ‘unknown’ which lead me to the known.

When understanding the darkness as the feminine and the moon representing wisdom, intuition birth, death and spirituality, it helped me understand that if I turned my back on the darkness due to fear I would not be able to go deeper in experiencing growth in the areas of wisdom, intuition, etc.

Facing the darkness came via shamanic journeying. It was much like going on an adventure, but contained and with a guide that I felt safe with. I dived into trigger issues, patterns of behaviour, lives that were not pleasant and faced feelings and beings that normally would have scared me witless. But I did it in a way that to me was enjoyable. I guess it helped that I am a very curious being and like a detective I want to find out more. I have always been interested in how the human psyche works and facing the darkness in me was driven by that.

Did I think I would get swallowed up by the darkness? At times, absolutely. However the more I said yes to facing the uncomfortable stuff the easier it became. I didn’t just dive into it without a parachute. I learned mindfulness, established sanctuary, spirit animals and more to stabilize my psyche so I had the courage and inner support to do it. And those tools were like a backbone that held strong no matter what came my way. And believe me some spine tingling scary stuff came my way. I had to look into heavy issues that I had blocked in my memory, deal with invading entities, horrid negative thought forms and other lives where some were just heartbreaking to be witness to and more. But in facing all the unseen world and clearing it from my present life, I felt so much lighter and freer. I raised my vibration naturally. Clearing inner debris does that.

Now the darkness is a natural part of me, not disowned in any way. I still work on aspects of me that are not balanced and can get out of whack. Although I am much more forgiving of myself nowadays and that is due to owning feelings that were shut in the dark for ages. We are all a work in progress to find balance. People are often told by leading psychologists to embrace and take responsibility for ones emotions. There is a need for it especially in a world where emotions have become very out of whack. The imbalance in the world right now is pretty huge and its going to take a lot of re-balancing, and we can help by working on our own sense of balance between our inner light and darkness.

We are the starlight that meets the daylight beyond dualism


The Inner Gardener


I have often been told and even just recently, that I am a really good gardener of the mind and psyche. Personally, I am grateful that others see and acknowledge that trait in me because I have worked hard to get here and yet I know there is so much more to do and grow.

 However, I have yet to evolve as a good gardener of a 3D earth garden. Maybe in my next chapter I when I resettle again I will take that challenge on as well as my procrastination for playing the guitar.

For now, let’s just stick to the inner gardener analogy

If we view the mind and psyche as a garden from a deeper soul perspective we then can view our wise self, our soul self as the inner gardener/caretaker. Let’s use the inner sanctuary as an example of one’s state of mind or psyche and a reflection of where one is at on a deeper level.

Initially, when people first encounter their sanctuary it is an image connected with what they see as a place of peace and safety. So the first vision is usually quite beautiful. After a while, though things change. They arrive expecting it to be exactly the same but they find the forest is no longer a forest but now a desert, a clear day has become dark, a lush landscape is now dry and brittle, something is there that doesn’t feel right, what once felt abundant is now barren….and on it goes. The first thought is usually quite negative often a sense of self-blame, but with a little encouragement, things can and do transform especially when they realise that they are the primary landscaper and gardener of their inner space.David Brusa

Here is a bit of Inner Landscaping Guidance.

You may be disappointed or uncomfortable with the way it appears or feels but just for a few breaths sit with how it is and accept it, be receptive to the state that it’s in. Look around, feel out your instincts. You may want to call on a guide or animal kin to ask what’s happening if you need clarity. If they don’t turn up, don’t panic. They may be just stepping back so you can learn on your own. Fear may be in your way, so put one hand over your heart and the other over your belly and say hello to the fear, take a deep breath in and a long breath out literally smiling into the fear as a loving parent would do with a scared child. This opens up the trust receptors so you can receive the support of your inner kin and helps you connect beyond the thinking mind.

If you are naturally intuitive, you might pick up that this reflects a part of where you are at in life right now…. How you feel and think via your thoughts and or feelings.

After sitting in acceptance (you don’t have to like it, just acknowledge it )
You can move into being the cosmic gardener/landscaper/caretaker of your inner sanctuary.

  • If it’s dark, would you like to bring out the sun?
  • If it’s dry, would you like it to rain?
  • If it’s barren would you like to plant some seeds or seedlings and grow flowers, plants, trees?
  • Is there something in there that you would like to be removed (remember to acknowledge it, say thank you for coming and if need be get assistance to get it to leave. (If you have great challenges with this make an appointment to see me. )
  • If its a desert would you like to explore the new terrain? Or create an Oasis?
    If everything is overgrown, would you like to make a clearing?

Think of yourself as a spiritual landscape artist in how you want to transform the spacemind-garden-Igor-Morski. Get creative! There is no limit to your imagination other than you thinking small.

Some people who have a lot of fear find that their sanctuaries are initially more like rooms or pods underneath the Shamans Tree, this is not uncommon. They think they need an enclosed place to feel safe and protected. So I often gently suggest they create a window, hole or door to that connects to the outside sanctuary. Once they are out of the room or pod, their vibration shifts quite a lot and their ability to receive kicks in so much more. If they still need the room or pod that’s fine, but almost all of those I have journeyed don’t seem to need it anymore. The inner sanctuary via the Shamans Tree has its own natural energetic boundaries and as a landscaper, you might want to grow more sturdy trees, or bring mountains closer, or surround your sanctuary with sacred stones….Be naturally creative as you like.

What about weeds you ask?

Well, if you are surrounded by gnarly weeds, would you like to pull them out? Maybe make it rain first so all the soil is soft, or get out your cosmic singing whipper snipper, and then if you feel called,  put them into a pot and drink the juice. Weeds have great medicinal properties and they are appearing for a reason so you might research the weed perhaps for its properties.

Your mind without a purpose can be a negative slave master or with a purpose a creative cosmic landscaper. The mind loves a job, give it a creative one and get gardening.

Me in the woodsBlessings


(c)Odette Nightsky 2020)